Having No Heart

没有一颗心

在2015年3月9日，我们的一只狗去死了。那天下午妈妈说：“我们明天会把它弄睡觉的姿态。”后来我们晚上接上了一个电话，兽医就说她们那晚可以就来。

等他们来了，爸爸妈妈要我们跟她说再见。等我们说再见了候，Lucy和Amy哭了。那时候我并没有哭，我在读一个博客。我也没有感觉到什么。等那只狗走了，所有家里的人都哭了，所有家里的人都很伤心。但是，我却没有哭，我也没有感觉到什么。我不明白为什么我什么都感觉不到。

晚上我问妈妈我为什么，妈妈说可能我没其他家里的人跟那只狗那么的近吧。那时候我就很伤心。我去了我的房间，痛痛快快的打了我自己。我很生气。我对自己说：“你怎么那么没心呀！”那时候我觉得我这人根本就不值得生活在世上。别人为了那只狗那么的伤心，可我就什么感觉不到。我真的很不想活在这世上了。

后来Amy发现我打了我自己，然后告诉了妈妈。等妈妈跟我说晚安的时候她问我我为什么对自己不高兴。我告诉了她原因。她后来解释了那是因为我是在保护我的心。那时候我就想Lucy和Amy的过去比我的过去要更狠。妈妈说那是因为我害怕去爱别人，害怕会失去他们，所以我不爱他们。那时候我就想我是个胆小鬼。之后她就说即使是生活在好父母的孩子也会害怕的。可她说什么我都不相信。在中国有那么的人喜欢我，可我这人从来都没有为别人哭过，我只为自己哭过。后来我就哭了好几了分钟。

第二天我还是在想这件事情。我想了又想，我觉得我这人不应该见人。我这人的心那么的小，那么的黑。我这人就是没有一个善良的心！我那时候怎么知道我这十五年是怎么活的。前几个星期我的老阿姨和我们邻居的一只狗去死了，我也什么都没有感觉到。

我老是有一个问题：为什么我真没有一颗心的人能让那么多的喜欢我，爱我。我从来都不会知道。

On March 9^th, 2015, one of our dogs passed away. That afternoon mom said, “Tomorrow we will put her to sleep.” Then at night we got a phone call, the vet said they could come that night.

When they came, mom and dad told us to said good bye to her. After we said goodbye to her, Lucy and Amy started to cry. I didn’t cry at the time, I was reading a blog. I didn’t feel anything. When the dog was gone, every family member cried, everyone was sad. However, I didn’t cry, I didn’t felt anything. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel anything.

At night I asked mom why, mom said maybe because I was not as close to the dogs as others. I was very sad. I went to my room, frankly hit myself. I was super mad. I told myself, “why you don’t have a heart?!” I thought I don’t have the right to live on Earth. Other people were very sad for that dog, but I didn’t feel anything. I really didn’t want to live on Earth.

Later Amy saw I hit myself and told mom. When mom said goodnight to me she asked me why I wasn’t happy with myself. I told her the reason. Later she explained to me, it’s because I was protecting my heart. I thought about that Lucy and Amy’s past is much worse than me. Mom said it’s because I am afraid to love other people, afraid I could lose them. That made me think I’m coward, then she said that even the kids grew up with good parents also would be afraid. However, I just doesn’t believe it. In China many people like me, but I never cried for other people. I just cried for myself. Later I cried for couple minutes.

Second day I still thought about it. I kept thinking, I thought I shouldn’t meet people. My heart is so small, so black. I don’t have a kind heart! How did I live fifteen years! In the last couple of weeks my Great-great Aunt and one of our neighbor’s dog died, and I didn’t feel anything.

I have a question: Why does everybody like me or love me even though I don’t have any heart? I never know.