Thought about Family as an Orphan

孤儿对家庭的想法

读者们好！我好长时间没有在我的博客写东西了。我的学校生活很忙而且这几个月我也不知道我应该在我的博客上写什么。现在我想了想：我想写作为一个孤儿，我对家庭是有什么样的想法。这是一个很难的过程而且大多数我是孤儿的时候我也不知道我是怎么想的。

我从小是跟一个寄养家庭在农村长大的。我以为他们是我的亲生父母。不过同时，我在那里上学的时候我觉得我班跟其他班不一样。我也不知道我是怎么知道我班大多数或所有的同学，加上我，都是孤儿。我养父有时候跟我开玩笑说：“如果你不听话的话，那你就会送到福利院。”我那时候笑了笑然后什么都没想。

当我八岁的时候，不知道为什么，我被送到了福利院。但我也没有问任何问题。我养母实在是舍不得我走。我养父安慰安慰了我养母。我那时候很想念我的养父养母因为他们对我很好。在我在福利院4年的时候，他们只看过我两次。我知道有一个女孩的寄养家庭父母在她被收养之前在福利院的一两年时就被看望过16次。我不明白为什么我养父养母只看我一两次。难道他们不想我吗？不对。当他们看我的时候然后我们要分开的时候我养母是很舍不得我的。阿姨们告诉我那个女孩被看望那么多次是因为她很听话。（他们老是用这个原因，像你为什么没有被收养什么的）我那时候没有相信因为那个愿意根本就不符合道理。后来我知道我养父养母问了他们去看我好几遍了，但不知为什么，他们只让我养父养母看我一两次。

我在福利院最后一年的时候，我听有人给他的寄养父母打了电话。阿姨们告诉我们福利院的电话不能打外线的。(除非你摁9）

我给我寄养家庭和刘雨晴打了几个电话。然后有一天有一个在办公室的阿姨告诉我我养母告诉了他们我给他们打了电话，我告诉了他们事实然后他们说我不能再打了。我那时候不高兴。第一，为什么我养母告诉了他们？第二，为什么我不能给我寄养父母打电话？我又不是石头，我是有感受的！对我来说，他们是在偷走我的家！然后我继续想，为什么我寄养家庭把我送到福利院？我那时候知道我是个孤儿，但同时我又觉得我寄养家庭是我的亲生家庭。这个对你们和我都很糊里糊涂的！

后来我知道我养母没有告诉福利院我给他们打了电话。那个阿姨骗我这样我能说实话，这实在是太不公平了！他们怎么能这样做呀！在福利院，很多阿姨说谎，我讨厌她们说谎，而且她们从来都没有为了这个道过歉！但小孩说谎的时候，她们就告诉小孩子们说谎是不好的。这也太不公平了吧！我后来也知道我寄养父母不是我的亲生父母，他们把我送到福利院是因为他们想让我上个好学校然后或许被收养。

在福利院里，人们说好多关于收养的事儿。我只在听到孩子们被收养了或是他们要被收养的时候才想到想有家。我知道当你14岁的时候，你就不能被收养了。当我12岁左右，我不敢想象在中国外面跟一个家庭生活。当我听到孩子去美国的时候，我就想为什么没有一个孩子呆在中国？有一次我听说我的一个朋友被一个中国家庭收养而且住在另一个中国的部分。那时我就希望我的未来是被一个中国家庭收养而且呆在中国。当然了，这个根本就没有发生。但我是真的很希望中国人会收养中国小孩的！那就太好了！

有时候我在中国想：“如果我没有被收养而且呆在中国又有什么大不了的？我的生活又不是那么坏。”

在2011年，11月29日，阿姨们告诉我我有家庭了。我那时候很高兴，但说实话，我也不知道为什么我那么高兴。我只知道我很高兴。你们从来有没有这个感受呀？我从那天到我见到我父母之前都很高兴。当我见到我父母的时候，我就变安静了。当我们要走的时候我留了几滴眼泪。然后我们去了将阿姨和叔叔的家里。他们的工作是欢迎外国人然后让他们了解了解北京。当他们商量我们在北京这几天应该做什么，我主要就是想看我知道的人。他们同意了而且结果我看望了我小学大约一小时。然后我去了刘雨晴的家里。那天是我和我父母在中国做好的一天。

我跟我父母的第二天是我签字同不同意他们当我的父母。我说我同意因为我知道如果我不同意的话，阿姨肯定会骂我骂道我会后悔后悔到一生。我是怎么知道的？有二个孩子被收养了但他们拒绝了。有一个孩子后悔了阿姨们跟他们提了这件事好几次。

当我来到了美国，我很想中国而且家里没有什么事儿可以做的。我浪费了好多时间。我打了好多电话。中国人好多次都告诉我我父母是爱我的而且我也要爱他们。我那是很不舒服而且很内疚。

当我妈妈收养了我从来都没有认识的Lucy，我美国同学会问我我想不想她或是我爱不爱她。我没有回答，但我很内疚。

有一次我们去了一个饭店家北京，那里有一个中国阿姨问我我是不是被收养的。我们说是的。她说我很幸运。我那时候不同意因为我是在跟两个陌生人一起住而且他们说的语言跟我不一样，但我也没说什么。

一年又一年过去了，Amy来到了我家庭。时间过去了，Amy在我融入家庭之前自己融入了家庭。看着看着，我就希望我也能有这样的快乐。所以我开始学怎么爱我家人。这是一个很长的过程！但我做到了！！！我为我父母要等我三年的时间才会回爱他们感到对不起，但后来我知道从当孤儿到有一个陌生家庭是非常难的！！你得让他们慢慢的融入家庭里。

我有跟多的感受要写，但我觉得要把所有的写到一夜博客上好像是太多了。所以请您呆在这儿！

Hey Readers! It's been a long time since I've written anything down in my blog. I got pretty busy with my school life and I don't know what to write in my blog these couple months. Right now I thought about it: I want to write about as a orphan, what do I think about family. It's a hard process and I didn't know how do I felt about it when I was an orphan most of the times.

Growing up, I lived with a foster family on the country side. I thought they were my biological parents. However, at the same time, I went to school there and I felt that my class is different than other class in the school. Somehow, I knew that most or all of my classmates are orphan, including me. My foster father sometimes joked with me saying, "If you don't well behave, then you will be sent into the orphanage." I laughed, and didn't really think about it.

When I was eight years old, I move to the orphanage and don't know why! I didn't ask any questions though. My foster mother had a hard time of letting me go. My foster father comforted my foster mother. I missed my foster parents a lot because they were really good to me. They only visit me once or twice while I was in the orphanage for 4 years. I knew a girl who was getting 16 visits in one or two years before she got adopted. I wondered why my foster parents only visit me that much. Do they not miss me? No. When they visit me, they looked like they miss me a lot and when the visit is over, my foster mother had a hard time of letting me go. The nannies told me the girl got so much visit because she was so well behaved. (They use if you well behaved for a lot of reason, like why you didn't get a family!) I didn't believe the reason anyway because it's just doesn't make any sense to me. Later I found out that my foster family asked to visit me many times, but for some reasons, they only let them visit me once or twice.

The last years of orphanages, I heard somebody made phone call to their foster family. The nannies have been told kids that the phone in the orphanage can't make phone call outside the orphanages. (not if you don't hit 9 before you dial the number)

I made couple phone calls to my foster parents and to Liu Yuqing. Then one day one of the nannies who work in office told me that my foster mother told them that I made phone calls to them, I told them to truth and they say to not to do it again. I was unhappy. First, why my foster mother told them? Second, why can't I talk to my foster parents? I am not a rock, I have feelings! To me, they were steal my family from me! Then I wondering more, why my foster family sent me to the orphanage? I knew I was an orphan, yet at the same time I thought my foster family was my biological family. That was so confusing to you and to me too!!

Later I know that my foster mother didn't tell the orphanage that I made phone call to me. That nanny lied to me so I could admit the truth, that is so unfair! How could they do that! In the orphanage, a lot of the nanny lie, I hated it when they did it, and they never said sorry about it. When it come to kids lying, they told the kids that it's not good to lie! So unfair! I also found out that my foster parents aren't my biological parents, and they sent me to the orphanage to have better education and maybe get adopted.

People talk a lot of adoption in the orphanage. I only thought about wanting a family when I hear kids adopted or when they talk about who is getting a family. I knew when you turn 14, you aged out. When I was around 12, I could't imagine of having a family and living outside of China. Sometimes when they talk about kids go to America, I wondered why none of them stay in China? One time I hear a rumor that one of my friends was adopted by a Chinese family and live in another part of China. That time I wished that my future will be a Chinese family adopt me and stay in China. Of course, it didn't happen. Though I really wish that Chinese people will adopted Chinese orphans! That will be wonderful!!

Sometimes in China I thought, "What's the big deal if I don't get adopted and stay in China? My life isn't too horrible anyway."

On November 29. 2011, the nannies told me that I have a family. I was so happy, but to be honest, I didn't quiet know what I was happy about. I just know that I was happy. Have you had that kind of feelings? I stay happy until the day when my parents got me. I got quiet. When we are leave, I drop a little bit of tears. Then we went back to a house that belong to a women whose name is Joy, and the men call Michael. They job was to welcome foreigners to their house and get them to know Beijing. When they talk about what to do while my family stay in Beijing, the main things that I thought was to see the people that I know. They agree and I ended up visiting my elementary school for about  a hour or so. Then I went to LiuYuqing's house. That day was the best day when I was in China with my parents.

The second day with my parents is the day that I sign whether if I want them to be my parents or not. I said yes because I knew if I didn't said yes, the nannies probably going to scold me so bad that I am going to be regret for the rest of my life. How do I know that? There was two kids that was adopted but said no to it. One of them regret because the nannies reminded them again and again.

When I came to America, I was very homesick and there is nothing to do. I waste a lot of times. I made a lot of phone calls. People in China told me over and over again that my parents loves me and I should loves them back. I felt very uncomfortable and guilty.

When my mom adopted Lucy, who was totally stranger to me before, my American classmates will ask if I miss Lucy or loves her. I didn't answer, but I felt guilty.

Onetime we went to a restaurant call Beijing and there is a women who is Chinese and ask me if I was adopted. We told her yes. She said that I was lucky. I disagreed at that time because I was living with two strangers who speak different languages but I didn't say anything.

Year went by, Amy came to our family. Time went by, Amy started to get use to the family before me. As I watched, I wish I could have that kind of happiness too. So I started to learned how to love my family. It's a such long process! However, I did it!!! I felt sorry that my parents have to wait 3 years for me to loves them back, but I later also understood that transition from an orphan to having a family with strangers is just hard!! You just have to let them to take their own time to get adjust to the family.

I have a lot more thoughts to write down, but I think it's too long to write in one post. So please hang in there!

Day 16- Foster Family and Visiting Bethel

第十六天－寄养家庭和看望爱百福

周日那天我们早上做了车去我们的寄养家庭。我的寄养家庭是住在农村那儿。我们家里的房子也挺大的，比我家的房子要大一些。当我们快到那儿的时候，我看了看那里的田地，就想起了一个我从前学校认识的一个人。我忘了她的名字了，我现在只记得她姓谢。她是学校对我最好的人，也是对我最坏的人。我的小学是孙营一小。

等我们到那儿时候，我看见养父养母，哥哥，一个叔叔，我的妹妹水春证，还有一个另一个小孩。他们都很开心看到我。我的养父养母告诉妈妈我小时候的个性。他们说我很聪明。Amy说我这个人很要强。好像每个人都觉我这个有一种很执着、要强、和固执的个性。但是我就是看不出来。

养母带我去外面看了看。我们去了我的一个朋友，王若晨的家里。养母告诉了我她已经去衬里读书了。那里有好多人都记得我，但很多的人我都忘记了。但是，妈妈说她对我很满意因为我已经六年没来到这儿了。这让我就觉得更舒服一点儿了。

养父养母给我们准备了一个很丰富的午餐。养母就让我吃吃吃，最后我吃得特饱，所以我就叫她停止帮我盛饭。

中午的时候我们就要走了，养母给Amy和我几个礼物。Amy得到了一个很漂亮的项链。我得到了一个菩萨项链，一个Hello Katty，一个手链，和一个很漂亮的头发东西，到了分手的时候，我的养母很舍不得，她哭了。我为她感到一点点伤心。

下一站我们看望了Tracy和其他的爱百福的孩子。她们是住在一个楼房。那里有两个阿姨，其中有一个阿姨很像我以前认识的一个阿姨姓沈。她很喜欢我，我也很喜欢她。那个阿姨让我想起了她。说实话，我很想见沈阿姨呀，不知道她还记不记得我。

那有另一个女孩，后来我知道她叫Hana。她也跟了跟我们说了说话，她用她的葫芦丝给妈妈吹了一首歌。

到了要走的时候，Tracy问了问能不能送我们。她这人的心可真好呀！

到了上车的时候，Amy就问她能不能现在就收养Tracy。妈妈说我得先到美国。然后她继续问我们能不能收养Michael，接着她就问我能不能拿爱百福的所有的孩子都收养。妈妈说我以前问过这个问题，但她没同意。说实话，我真的很想很想收养我的朋友。

那里有几个女生。其中有两个小女孩在读书，一生都不吭。我们给Tracy一个笛子。之后Tracy就开始跟Amy说了说话。我看了看她们的屋子的东西。她们的床是蹦蹦床，他们有好多的乐器，我好羡慕呀！如果我的福利院有那么好就好了。如果我们福利院的每一个孩子能上学，那有多好呀。

这就是在中国的第十六天。  

On Sunday morning we got in the car to visit my foster family. My foster lived in the country side. My foster house is really big too, bigger than my house in America. When we almost there I looked the farmland in there, I started thinking a person from my school. I forgot her name, I just remember that her last name is Xie. She is the nicest person in the school, and the meanest person too. My elementary school in the country side is Sunying #1.

We when got in there, I saw my foster parents, older brother, my younger sister Shui Chunzheng, and another kid. They all were happy to see me. My foster parents told mom about my personality when I was little. They said I am very smart. Amy said that I was eager to excel. It seem like everybody think I have a determine, eager to excel, and stubborn personality. However, I just don't see those in myself. 

My foster mom took me to outside to see. We went to one of my friends Wang Ruochen's home. Foster mom told that she already went to school in the city. There are many people still remember me, but I forgot many of them. However, mom was very impress with me because I haven't been there for six years. That made me feel a little better.
My foster parent gave us a very plentiful lunch. My foster just let me eat eat eat, family I was super full, so I told her to stop gave me food on my plate.

At noon we were going leave, my foster mom gave Amy and I a couple of presents. Amy got a beautiful neckless. I got a Buddhism neckless, one Hello Katty, one bracelet, and a beautiful hair stuff. When it was time to go, my foster mom wasn't ready, she cried. That made me little bit sad. 

next stop we visited Tracy and other Bethel kids. They live in a department. There have two nannies, one of them looks like Nanny Shen that I know. She liked me very much, I like her very much too.  That nanny remind me of Nanny Shen, didn't know if she still remember me. 

There were few girls. Two of the girls were reading book, didn't making any sounds. We gave Tracy a recorder. Then Tracy started talking to Amy. We saw their room and stuff.  They bed is bump-bed, they had a lot of instrument, I was very admire! It would be so wonderful if my orphanage had those good stuff. It would be wonderful if every kids in the orphanage can go to school. 

There had another girl, later I learned her name is Hana. She talked to us a little bit, she play a song to mom with her cucurbit flute.  

When it was time to leave, Tracy asked if she can say goodbye too us. She has a such kind heart!

When we got into the car, Amy asked if she could adopted Tracy right then. Mom said that first we have to get to America. Then she asked if we could adopt Michael, next she asked if she could all the Bethel kids. Mom said that I asked that question before, but she didn't say yes. Tell you the truth, I want to adopt my friends so bad.

That was the sixteenth day in China. 

Move to the Orphanage

送到福利院

当我八岁的时候，我的寄养父母把我送到了一个地方。我觉得那里是一个福利院，但我不确定。

我知道我会去“福利院”的，因为在我住在寄养家庭的时候，他们有时候拿这个开玩笑。但我根本就不知道这是啥意思。我不知道为什么既然他们那么舍不得，他们还是要送我到那儿。虽然我从爸爸那儿听说过“福利院”这个词，但是我不知道这个词是什么意思，也不知道那儿是什么样子。我还是不知道我是孤儿。这一切对于我来说都是一个迷。

有一个叫柏西春的男孩儿也很舍不得离开。然后我们开到福利院。车上里的小孩儿不是很多，有些人我是从我村里认识的。

当我们到了北京福利院的时候，我们区里的小孩不是很多。那里只有两个阿姨，然后我们都是睡在一个屋里。

第一天我们吃了饺子，我最喜欢饺子了。我能吃很多个饺子。

白天我们就玩电脑和玩游戏。我不记得我们有午睡，或许阿姨对于午睡不是很严格吧。

白天的生活不是很复杂，但我很想念我的寄养父母。别的孩子也很想他们的寄养父母。

When I was eight years old, my foster parents drove me to a place. I think it was an orphanage, but I'm not sure. At that place I said goodbye to my foster parents. My foster mom cried.

I knew I was going to "an orphanage," because sometime we joked about it when I lived with my foster family. However, I really didn't know what that meant. I didn't know why they sent me there if they really didn't want to. I heard the word "orphanage" many times from my foster dad, but I didn't know what that word meant and what it would be like.  I still don't know that I was an orphan. It was all a mystery to me.

There was another boy named Bai Xichun who really didn't want to leave too. Then we drove to the orphanage. There were a few children in the car, mostly boys. Some of the children I knew from my village.

When we got to the Beijing orphanage, there were very few children in our area. There only two nannies and all of us slept in the same room.

The first day we eat dumplings, it's was my favorite. I can eat a lot of them.

During the day we mostly played computer and played games. I don't remember if we have nap in there. It could be the nannies weren't really strict about that.

The day was easy and simple. However, I missed my foster parents a lot. So did the other children.

First Eight Years of Life

前八年的生活

每一个人生都是不同的。有的人生很甜，有的却很苦。我的人生是世界上最甜的，但我也有一个很苦的人生。也许很多人不懂我说的是什么。我前十二年的人生是一个孤儿，之后一个美国家庭收养了我。

生活在一个孤儿的环境里是很不漂亮的，尤其是在中国。在那儿我觉着我不属于生活在这个世界。

我前八年的生活是跟一个寄养家庭生活，他们对我很好。我一直以为他们是我的亲生父母。我其实不知道我是一个孤儿，直到他们把我送到福利院。

当我住在寄养家庭的时候，我上了学校，而且我什么都得优。不过我只上了幼儿园和一年级。

我不记得我幼儿园的生活，但我记得我一年级的生活。我认为大多个同学在我班里是孤儿，但我不确定。我学校的成绩也挺好的。但是那些同学不是特别好，我们经常打架。我也常被欺负。我一年级老师是男的，他好像很喜欢我。

上完一年级之后，他们说我班做的不好，所以我们得重新上一年级。因为这个，我几乎每次都得99或100。有时候我会背被乘法口诀。我们的老师换了一个女老师姓候。她不怎么喜欢我，因为我写字太慢了。几乎每次都是我最后完成作业。有时候我好羡慕他们写字那么快的学生。

第二年的一年级的第一天，有人说那个男老师叫我。他给我一个苹果，从此以后，他就老是给我吃的和喝的，但我没有告诉别人因为他不让我告诉别人。

之后我的人生就变了......
这是我的养父养母和我的妹妹：（看看下面）

Everyone has different kinds of life. Some lives are sweet, some are bitter. I had the most sweet life in the world, I  also had a very bitter life. Most of you probably don't understand what I mean. I was an orphan for the first twelve years of my life. Then I was adopted by an American family.

Living as an orphan was not beautiful, especially in China, where it felt like I didn't fit this world.

For the first eight years of my life, I lived with a foster family. They were really nice to me. I thought that they were my real parents. I really didn't know that I was an orphan until later when they sent me to the orphanage.

When I lived with my foster family. I went to school and was getting A's all the time. I just went to kindergarten and first grade while I lived with them.

I don't remember my life in kindergarten a lot, but I remember my life in first grade. Most of the kids in my class were orphans, if I remember right. I did very well in school. However, the kids were not very nice. We fought a lot. I was bullied a lot. I had a man teacher for first grade, and he seemed to like me just fine.

After first grade, they said that most of the class wasn't doing good, so we had to go to first grade again. Because of that, I got 99 or 100 on every test and I had a lot of rewards. I  learned the multiplication tables at home. However, the home teacher changed to a woman named Hou. She didn't like me very much because my writing was very slow. Usually I was the last one to finish Chinese classwork. Sometimes I admired one of the students who wrote very fast.      

The first day of my second year of first grade, someone said that my male teacher called me. When I met him, he gave me an apple. After that, he gave me some food or drink often, but I didn't tell anybody because he told not to.

Then my life changed ...


Here is my foster parents and my sister Shui Chun Zheng