Pressure

压力

在我刚刚来到美国的时候，很多的中国老师和阿姨都为我高兴。有些老师说：“你爸爸妈妈是很爱你的，你也要好好的爱他们。”我知道他们是想让我快快地融入的这个家庭，但是这句话让我很不舒服。这让我觉得我这个人根本就没有心。我美国同学也问过我如果我爱不爱我的家人。当时我是真的不知道。当时我也在想，如果我不是孤儿的话，那我就不会有这些问题了。

在周末晚上我喜欢看中国电视。有一次我看了一个爱情电视剧。那里的四个主角都是孤儿，其中一个是被收养了。她很多次都跟他的父母说：“长大以后我一定会回报你们的。”当时我就想：不知道长大后我会不会回报爸爸妈妈呀。这个女孩的心是多么的好呀，而我的心的多么的硬呀。当孤儿这么就那么难呀？

我现在有两个超喜欢的老师，一个是我中国最喜欢的，一个是美国的。我觉得我好像喜欢的到爱她们的地步了。可是。我却没有这么样的喜欢我的父母。当我看到别人做这个的时候，我就觉得他们不应该做这个。但是，我自己也在做这个。我不知道我应该爱谁，有时候我太喜欢她们了。我就是不知道怎么停止。

我有时候在想：为什么我有这种问题。我住过我寄养家庭八年了，而且我觉得他们是我的亲生父母。为什么我还是有这些问题。为什么我还是跟其他的孤儿一样？为什么？

我觉得我很对不起我现在的爸爸妈妈，他们那么的爱我。我却一点儿感觉都感觉不到。我这人真是不知道怎么感谢。要我说，我当孤儿就是应该的，谁让我这人那么坏呀。

收养是一件好事儿，但是收养是很难的。有的孩子他们立马就爱上了你，有些孩子他们把你当成一个陌生人，然后很长时间以后他们才爱上你的。我是在中间。每个孩子都有不同的反应。无论如何，收养孩子还是一件很好的事儿。

When I came to America, many Chinese teachers and nannies were very happy for me. Some teachers said, "Your mom and dad love you very much. You need to love them also." I knew they wanted me to get use to the family quickly, but this quote made me very uncomfortable. That made me think I don't have a heart. My American classmates also asked me if I loved my family or not. I really didn't know at the time. I also thought, if I wasn't a orphan, then I would not have those problems.

On weekend nights I like to watch Chinese TV shows. One time I watched a romance show. There were four characters who are orphans, only one of them was adopted. Many times she told her parents, "When I grow up, I will pay back you guys." I thought, "I don't know if I'm going to pay back my parents or not when I grew up. The girl's heart was so good, but my heart is so hard. Why is being an orphan so hard?"

Now I have two teachers that I like very much, one is my China favorite, one is American. I think I like them to the point that I love them. However, I don't like my parents that much. When I see other people doing that, I think they shouldn't do that. However, I am doing it myself. I don't know who I should love. Sometimes I like them too much. I just don't know how to stop it.

Sometimes I thought, "Why do I have this problem. I lived in a foster family for eight years, and I thought they were my real parents. Why am I the same as other orphans? Why?"

I think I am letting my parents down. They love me so much. Yet, I don't feel anything. I just don't know how to be thankful. To me, I should become an orphan, because I am such a bad person.

Adopting is a good thing, but adopting is hard. Some kids love you right away, some kids treat you like a stranger, then a very long time after they finally fall in love with you. I am in between. Every kid's reaction is different. No matter what, adopting kids is still a good things.