Limits on Relationships

In my orphanage, and perhaps others, the nannies often don’t support children continuing their relationship with the people they love.

Sometimes children from the foster families would be sent to my orphanage and often without knowing how long it will be until they see their foster family.  Most cases were never, but sometimes my orphanage would let some of the foster parents to visit their foster children. Children often cried, but the nannies often just stood by instead of comforting them. Once a girl missed the family so much that she asked if she could call her foster family. Two nannies, who stood in front of the phone, said, “We don’t have any phone!” The girl immediately pointed the phone and asked about it. The nannies laughed like she was naïve and said, “The phone can’t make phone calls outside of the orphanage.”

It was two years later when I found out that if you dial nine, you could call people outside of the orphanage. I was so excited and started talking to my best friend from my class without telling the nannies because my friends in the orphanage and I thought they were going to punish us. Surprising, there are some nannies that were okay with it. From there I called my foster family who I had not seen for three years. I enjoyed talking to them so much that I made couple phone calls per week. Then about a month later, after the I finished interviews that will help me find a family, a nanny who works with adoption papers came up to me and said with a very straight face, “Alice, your foster family told me that you called them. Is that right?” I was silence and then she told me, “Don’t lie to me.” I just nodded my head, which means I did make a phone called to them, because I was so surprised that she found it out. Other nannies in the room were on her side. My friends who made phone calls also got warned. When I went to my room, I was mad and wondered why did my foster family told them? I also was frustrate and confuse that the nannies don’t want me to call my foster family who raised me for 6 years.

I asked my foster family for the answer when I came to America. My foster mother told me, “We wouldn’t dare to do it after we finally got to talk to you! I did ask the orphanage to visit you before you were going to America. I told them, ‘I missed my daughter. Can I visit her?” They told me no!” I trusted my foster family more than the nannies in the orphanage because for many times, the nannies would promise they would do something, but never did those things. Also, they would say one thing, but their action proved the opposite of what they said. After I heard my foster mother’s side of the story, I wondered how could that nanny lie to get a child to tell the truth when I did nothing evil?

The phone calls issue didn’t stop when I got adopted. Once when I was talking to my favorite nanny, I asked her the supervisor’s phone number for some reasons that I can’t remember now. My favorite nanny immediately told me that if I call the supervisor, the supervisor is going to ask me where I got the phone number. If I tell the supervisor the truth, she is going to ask my favorite nanny, “Why are you talking to Alice?” and my favorite nanny will get in trouble. I was shocked by the news.

Phone call wasn’t the only thing that top nannies doesn’t approve. A request of goodbye doesn’t get easily accept either. After I got adopted, one of my close friend YL told me her saddest story. One of her friend, YR, was going to be adopted a day later when YL was the only person who was scheduled move to a different orphanage. She asked the top orphanage nannies if they could move her moving day after YR got adopted since they were good friends. She tried more than once convincing nannies to change the date, but the nannies refused to change it.

Not all nannies were hard to deal with. Some nannies are fun and nice, but they sometimes get to move to different areas of the orphanage. Once when a nanny, who was beloved by many kids, visited us since she moved her job, a lot of kids got super excited and got up from the seat and greeted her warmly. Another nanny, who was watching all those, commented after she left with an unhappy face, “You guys greeted her like she was your mom!” Then when the top nanny told other nannies to take their group of kids to different rooms to play, she made all of us listening to her scolding the kids who greet the visiting nanny! Even though I wasn’t as excited as other kids, I was puzzled of why that nanny got so mad.

There was one time when I got scolded because I let people from outside of the orphanage show their affections towards me. The orphanage often took in some middle school kids in the summer. They helped the nannies do chores, helped us with summer homework, and spent times with us. Every time there was at least one helper that was very fond of me. Once there was one girl who wanted me to sit on her lap, and I let her. On the second day, I got scolded for being childish by sitting on a person’s lap. I disagreed because I didn’t ask her to. Besides, we didn’t get hugs, kisses, or any other way of showing affections on our daily life, so why shouldn’t grab the opportunities that we have.

We got a lot of affections when the there were special visitors like Americans, people from the government, or the orphanage directors. When they were here, they acted as they love us. On my last Lunar New Year, the old and new orphanage directors came to visit us. Our supervisor told us to call them Mom and Dad, which I and another friend of mine refused to call. Why should I call a person mom or dad when they don’t know me nor are they adopting me?

I saw similar things on my Gotcha Day, the day when I first met my parents, expect I was with the nannies that I didn’t see every day. I was happy before, but as soon as I enter the room, I become dead like a rock. I didn’t have the energies to fight, so I just do what they told, but in my mind, I was annoyed on how they acted. They don’t know me, yet they put a smile like they loved me so much and knows me for a long time. They said, “she looks a like her mom!” How could an Asian person looks like a European person? My parents also told me that the nannies told me to say I love you, which I totally don’t remember. Then the Vice-Director gave me a hug, which I played along but wasn’t comfortable with it. Does she even know me? She never talked to me in the orphanage. I wondered if she knows that what she’s doing didn’t really represent what the other nannies have been treating us.

Another time when the nannies sent a message of how much they love us is a National Children’s Day, June 1st. There they presented the orphanage director a song that said, “If only everyone offers a little bit of love, then the world is a beautiful place.” They sang like they mean it, but in reality, we didn’t feel a bit of love from them. The worse part of that is that we can’t express any longing for it or show gratitudes of others who love us.

Ironic and Strange Responses or Comments

I lived the first eight years of my life with my foster family and was loved very much by them. I got more praise from them than scolding. They taught me many useful life lessons, and I used them when I moved into the new orphanage. However, instead of getting praises, I got scolded.

During one night, the nannies gave permission to two of my friends and I to play in our bedroom while others were watching TV. One of us thought it would be a wonderful idea for us to get the nanny's bed ready as a symbol of gratefulness. We all agreed and started to get the blanket. Suddenly a boy, who the nannies considered to be a good boy and often let him watch over us while the nannies were chatting or doing some other things, came to give us fruit. He saw us and yelled immediately, "What are you doing?" We answered him, and the next thing I remember is that all three of us were told to go back to the TV room instead of playing. For some reason, they saw this as touching people's stuff and were completely ignoring that we were trying to make the nanny happy. We didn't get any positive comments from anybody. I never understood why they did what they did. From there I helped to get the bed ready for people three more times and was scolded two more times. Only once did a person see that I was trying to please people.

I like to help people because I like the feeling of usefulness, but some nannies refused to let me do things because they thought I was incapable, so I started to do things secretly. For example, I started to fill some nannies water bottles with hot water. I was so proud of myself that I told “my friend”. Suprisingly, she focused on the fact that I was doing things that I wasn't approved to do rather than the fact that I was helping people and proving that I could.

The nannies didn't always prevent me from doing things. These things happened after the accident I had in 2009 in a shower. I slipped and my head fell on the pointy edge of a floor that is taller than the rest. It hurt so much and I cried. A newly hired nanny named Xiang quickly checked and said my back part of the head was bleeding, which surprised me. I was taken to the nearest hospital and got stitches in my head. When I came back, Nanny Xiang was crying and three experienced nannies rushed to me and yelled, "Did you know you made the Nanny Xiang cry? " I forgot what they said after that exactly, but it was like if I didn't fall and got hurt, the nanny wouldn't be scared, and they said it in a way like I did it intentionally. Later, when I wanted to shower with my friends, a nanny who was very gentle and friendly with me before the accident, and I'm not sure if she was at the scene, yelled, "If you are going to have another accident, then watch me make your life worse." I laughed it off because it was an accident and she had no need to yell at me. From there, she became a little bit more gentle to me as times went by, but never as gentle as before the accident happened. Nanny Xiang was never gentle to me after the accident nor did she let me did anything that she would consider risky, even just mopping the floor.

Some nannies kept sending the messages that I am different than everybody else. One day when 15 of us were walking quietly to our building from where we were dropping off from school, a nanny suddenly said to me out loud in front of other people, "Alice, did you know that you walked differently from other people?" I was unhappy and simply ignore her question because it was out of the blue for me.

There were other times when I would argue with the nannies about my ability to do things, but they never listen to me since they always thought I’m different. Most of the times they would just told me to go back to watch TV with the other kids. However, one time they had enough with me disagree with them, so a nanny pull me in front of 30 kids and asked, “Is she different from you?” I heard a clear and loud yes. She then asked, “Does she walks differently than you?” The answer was again a clear and loud yes. She was satisfied and looked at me, “see, everybody said so.” Next I was told to go back to the seat and watch TV with other people. I was so unhappy and was not convinced.

The nannies weren’t only one who oppose my ideas. Once there were seven or eight of us were in a room playing with door close. A girl who has delayed problem stood outside and give us a look of wanting to play with us. I saw she was lonely so I suggested people of letting her join us. Many people, including the people who are like her, that has delayed problem, said, "Don't be too soft-hearted." Other people was silence. I didn't have the courage to do more at that times, so I let it be.

Despite the environment I lived in the orphanage, I always tried my best to walk my path without hurting innocent people. I use my own judgments to look at people around me and treated them as they have been treated me or be friendly with them if I didn’t know them. However, not all people does that and the nannies doesn't set a good example either. Sometimes the newly hired nannies would be friendly to us, until they were told by the experience nannies, “Don’t treat the children so nice, for later they would take advantage of you.”

I couldn’t understand why there so much distrust in the children from the nannies. Many times, when the nannies allow us to have fun, we couldn’t enjoy it very long. Yet despite all these things, the nannies told us when we were practice show for the orphanage director, “We love you so much that we will kiss you secretly after you all fallen asleep.” How odd that you announce loudly of something you did secretly? I was unhappy with the comment and now realize that they lies to us. On the night where I fell asleep really late when other people crashed much earlier than me, I never saw the nannies came to kiss us.

Of course, there many more examples of events that never made sense to me, and I will talk them in later posts. These are just some examples that don't exactly fit with any of the post themes that I’m going to write about later.

Harsh Punishment for Rule Breakers

On the last post I was talking about nannies didn’t have a lot of patience by punished a group of people when a fraction of them broke rules. We didn’t always get group punishment if we broke the rules. Still, there were harsh punishments or criticizes if we broke or has fallen on short of what they wanted.

As I mentioned earlier in other posts, we had to take nap from 11-2, which is 5 hours after waking up time. When I came to the orphanage, the punishment was harsh. You either were being ordered to stay in bed to 3 ~ 3:30, or drink 1 and 1/2 cups of water at once. If you are being ordered to stay in bed at 3, you don't get to eat fruits or goodies that other get to eat. I had extremely hard times to follow the rule because I never had to take a nap before when I lived with my foster family and I disliked the rule, still I did try to follow that rule by staying as late as I can at night. To fill my times, I would talk with others, playing card games with others, and playing by myself. Still, that wasn't an option. We were not allowed to talk past their bedtime, which is usually around 8, and sometimes it was even earlier. For most nannies, we would just get scolded if we talk, but not always. When I first came to the orphanage, a nanny would tell me harshly to put my thick blanket over my head for a long time for just being wide awake, not necessarily doing other stuff. Sometimes I took off because I couldn’t breathe. When she saw that, she ordered me again with to put my thick blanket over my head again. The other nannies didn’t go against her order or asked me if I’m alright. When she was on duty, we couldn't go to the bathroom at all after we went to bed. The other nannies follow her orders very well. I once tried to go to the bathroom without getting caught but failed. The nanny would set the rule got so mad that she kicked me. I got very scared. Still, I never learned how to hold it until the morning. Overtimes, I became less scared and care less about these rules because I did not understand why they make these rules.

Some nannies' rules are so strict that I wasn't a good kid in their eyes, thus they watch us more carefully. For examples, during one night SNN, MWB, and I were talking and got caught by a nanny for many times in a short amount of times, and she exploded after few times. When she left, we criticized her for how has she been treating the kids. In the morning, she was still mad at us. When SNN and MWB left, she told me, "You are so bold (by not following my rules) ... You don't deserve my pity care for you." I thought, "I don't need you pity care for me anyway." She never put a lot of times on me anyway.  Another way for them to show their view of me is when they and I saw a kid who never rebel, they would say to me something like, “he/she is a good kid. A good kid is always a good kid.” In other words, I’m bad kid in their eyes because I don’t always do what they follow.

Another strict rule that was set during 2008- late 2011 was we must be silence most of the times during the day. One time is nanny warned us we must drink 1½ cups of water if we talked. I immediately warned the other kids, thus I talked, but only a sentence. She got mad and punished me. I thought that was way over done because I only talked for a few seconds, but nobody said anything against her.

When the supervisor was on duty during the weekday, we must drink 1/2 cups of water every half hours because she thinks drinking water is very important. This made me go to the bathroom every 5-10 minutes. The nannies, who didn't have to drink that much water, for some reason questioned what was wrong with me.

When we at school, each of us must carry 24 oz. of water to school and be finished before we came to the orphanage. One day, when the nannies to check our water bottle, they found that GYC's water bottle was full. Everybody knows that GYC is very well behaved and rarely argue with nannies. The kids also know that she had refilled the water bottle when she finished drinking it. The nannies for some reason didn't even look surprised nor did they asked GYC why it wasn't empty, instead, she was ordered to finish the water in her bottle all at once so the supervisors could go home.

Nannies sometimes will use violence to make us behave. One time, a kid kept talking, they lost patience and throw their shoes at that kids. Other times during the night, when I was talking, a nanny slapped my face and told me to go to sleep. I was very surprised that she did that because she usually was very gentle to us.

It’s hard for most of the children to have a great or close bond with the nannies. If they mess up a little bit, the nannies snap at them hard. Most of the children are afraid to speak up against the nannies, so the children who got nannies mad didn’t get the comfort they need. Most of the times the children and other nannies would join the nannies who snap at the children. Overtime, I noticed many children in my area are being looked down at by other people when I couldn’t see the horrible things about them. I made friends with some of them and now I’m glad to know them! Unfortunately, I didn’t comfort all of them and there are still hundreds, maybe thousands, of children who are being beat up and look down at.

Unfair Punishment For Innocent Children

We have been receiving punishments as a group many times in the orphanage, and often we don’t know what we did wrong. Often times the whole group would get punished because a few kids messed up.

One time four or five nannies took 20 of us to a big inside area to play after supper. After a short while, I saw two of the oldest boys get into a fight and two nannies were trying to stop them. I don’t know how long it had been going on, but after watching a minute, one of the nannies ran out of patience and ordered all of us to stop playing and go to the TV room to watch TV because of the fight between the two boys.

One night a group of kids, who were aged 8-13, were supposed to take medicines in a powdered form. They were told to go to another room and get water from a dispenser to dilute their medicines. A boy, who often got in trouble, put his medicine into the water dispenser and a couple of kids copied him. A nanny figured out what was going on ordered all of the kids in that group to go to bed right away, which was 30-60 minutes earlier than our usual bedtimes.

During a winter evening, some kids were playing outside while I was told to stay inside and watch because of my disability. Though I disagreed, I still obeyed them. An hour later, a small group of kids, who were far from where other kids were playing, were goofing off. A nanny went out and checked what was going on. The next thing I knew we were being sent back inside because she had fallen and being told to stand for a few minutes. While we were standing, another nanny blamed all 20-30 of us for the fall and told us we had ruined the wonderful treatments that the injured nanny had given us. For the rest of evening, the nannies told us to be silent and we were sent to bed not long after that.

We often were forced to watching TV and sit there and be quiet for long periods of time during the first three years of my life in the orphanage. Sometimes we couldn’t stay silent and would start talking. One morning we were talking for about an hour and it was time for the nannies to go off work and another crew of nannies to come in. They talked about our misbehavior, and then a nanny turns off the TV and pulls a chair in front of us and criticized, "I often give fair treatments, but you have taken advantage of me and bullied me." Then she just sat there and ordered us to be silent while she shed tears. I sat there and was puzzled: why does she need to make such big fuss about it. What wonderful treatment had they given us that we should feel so thankful? What did we do that deserved an hour of silence or ruin the wonderful treatment? Are we that horrible? Or are they just trying to make themselves look good?

You will think this way of educated kids would be the same on the positive behavior. It was similar, except it was much more rare. Often, the rewards for positive behavior only went to individuals. They would go off somewhere and play with no nannies around while others had to do the same boring things. Still, as a whole, we often got the message that we weren’t good kids, and sometimes they held up one or two kids as an example of a good kid in their eyes. These were the kids who very rarely rebelled against them. I can hardly remember a time when the nannies praised us as a group and said that we were wonderful kids.

I wonder if the nannies had any idea of what they had signed up for. I think they thought that watching kids would be a very easy job. I don't think they were prepared with a lot of patience. A lot of nannies either were texting or talking to other nannies when they supposed to be paying attention to us. Sometimes they had a bit more patience, but it only lasted about an hour. It's a shame that while all these problems were going on, a sign in front of our orphanage says, "Everything is for the children. The children come first."

How the Orphanage Caregivers Did Their Job

When I lived in the orphanage, it seemed like a lot of nannies didn't like their job very much. Most of the times they just talked to each other and made us to sit in the living room to watch TV the whole day. Sometimes when they eat, they would say to us, "If you behave, then you could play when we finished eating." We would sit there. One hour passed, they were talking and we were still watching TV. Sometimes a kid asked, "When we will play?" They answered, "later." Then we would keep asking because they were still talking. Then when they was unbearable of the question, they answered, "you weren't behaving, so you can't play." How could they answered like that! They were just making an excuse so we couldn't play! That is how they wasted my times many days when I lived in the orphanage.

Another way to waste our time and letting them to relax was to make us to sleep. We would go to bed at 7 and wake up at 6. Then we would take a nap that is from 11 to 1, 2, or 3 o'clock. I wouldn't take nap when I came there from my foster family, and the nannies would punish me harshly. One time they made me to drink water to the point that I threw up. I shed a few tears but I didn't regret. I wasn't tired at all, why should I go to sleep then? The nannies never said sorry for it. 

Many things the nannies should've say sorry but didn't. Many times it's their fault but they made it looks like it's our fault. One time there was a rumor that a person stole something. They thought it was a boy, but he said no, and to me it looked like that he told the truth. But then Sister Zheng (if a caregiver is under 30, we called sister or brother) forced him to say he stole it. If he doesn't admit, then he will stand until he admits. He was persisted in for a long time, about an hour. Later he couldn't hold it any longer, so he told Sister Zheng what she wanted to hear. Sister Zhang then immediately criticized him for not standing up for what he wanted to say, but what other want him to say. She asked him why he admitted that he stole things. I thought that was so unfair. If I asked her why she did what she did at that time, she would probably say, "I am trying to teach him that no matter what, he needs to be honest, not said what other want him to say."

The nannies always said, "Hit is caring, scolding (more like insults or heavy scolding) is love, and all the things we are doing is for your goods." One time Sister Ding gave my best friend, SNN, and I the nickname princess because we always complained about things, though on different subject. I disliked the nickname very much but she wasn’t bothered much by it. One reason was that from the TV shows that I watched, the princess need or let people do everything for her. I hated the idea because I don’t need people to do things for me. I wanted to be independent. Second reason was my complaints were reasonable. It’s true that they underestimated me. To me that was stand up for what you believe in, not a princess complaint. Sometimes I complained they gave me boy's clothes, which was true. They only looked at the size when they gave me clothes, not whether if it looks good on me or not. I always was so bother by it when they called me that nickname and I always said, "I am not a princess!" Then that Sister Ding would say, "see, if you don't reply, then we won't call you anymore anyway." I was so unhappy. It is not right to give people's nickname, why tell me to just go along with it. Now I thought about it, that Sister Ding did this to make me be silent, not to make noise. When I told other nannies that “Sister Ding” bullied me by gave me a nickname, they ignore me completely.

When it comes the question whether the nanny is right or us, 99% of the time the other nannies would support that nanny, even if they are wrong. During one night, around 8 or 9 when we suppose to sleep, SNN, another girl, and I were talking. We were being careful not to caught by Nanny Bai that were working. She hated me and my best friend from when she met each of us and she is very biased to the boys. Either of us can’t do anything that could please her. She finally caught us talking and scold us. My best friend got mad and said bad things about her, which is true. She did many things that we think she was not supposed to do. I now forgot what her list were, but I added to her list of she often used unclean word. The other girl join with us. The next day, that girl told Nanny Bai what we said because Nanny Bai was scolding her. The supervisor of our area (which has about 30 kids) got the news and told all the children who got the news it’s none of their business and told SNN gently next time don’t say such things. The next time when Nanny Bai saw us, the supervisor wasn’t there. She scolds us and asked us harshly about when did she did the wrong thing. We all were silent by the harsh tone. We said sorry and then left. Not soon after that, SNN and I got in trouble with her for other things, even on the last week of my time in the orphanage because we were playing “out of the control.”

That night we and that girl who I mention last paragraph were showering from Nanny Bai’s permission. That girl was in the mood of playing, so we splash water a lot, and opps splash the water on her when she came in. She got so mad and she told us that I was lucky to leave the orphanage soon, but that girl and SNN aren’t as lucky. I felt bad that they won’t get out of the trouble. Now I looked back and thought that she has no reason to be mad at us because for one, she didn’t get a lot of water on her clothes. Second reason was that we didn’t do on purposely. Why can’t we have fun? Why can’t we have opps?

Many nannies got frustrate with me because I liked to play and do stuff just like the other kids would. After the accident happen in 2009, they always limit me doing things. I would break their rule and sometimes got hurt, but only a little bit. They always scold me saying somethings like, “you never learn lesson. Don’t you realize that you are different from other people, that you can’t do stuff!” True, I didn’t learn that lesson, and the reason for that was it wasn’t true! I did accomplish things before I had accidents. I tried to sound it wasn’t big of deal that I had accident, but they refused to listen to me the minuet the saw I had accident and won’t accept that they are wrong.

Many times, the nannies would think themselves as perfect, because they always said something like, "I am adult, how come you don't respect me." Every day in the orphanage I always argued with the nannies that I actually could do a lot of stuff, and because of that, they said, "Alice, you are good at everything except your temper." The way I thought at that time was that I has the best temper in the world because the people around me had worse temper than me.

Many time I didn't look up to the nannies, I thought their heart weren't very kind. They look like they don't like to take care us so much. If you guys don't like, then why you became a nanny!

From that thought, I noticed somethings that the nannies don’t. Sometime the nannies would be so lazy that they let the bossy kids to watch over us. I never like it, why should my peer rule over me? The kids who get that permission often got special way, like they didn’t have to sit and watch TV, they didn’t have to sleep as much, they could complaint against the nannies and they would listen to them. They often are just 2 or 3 years older than me. Why they could do those special things? Through this they become more bossy and mean, but the nannies didn’t know it, or they didn’t care. One of the them, who was a guy, tried to abuse my friends and me. Lucky for me that the Sister Ding called me when he tried to abuse me, but I didn’t trust her enough and was scare that I didn’t tell her about that guy. However, he also did other not so good things. Despite of his action, they thought he is a good kid. One time one of the nanny told a boy, who I mentioned at the begin, that he has a kind heart because he “agree” with her for somethings because he was tired of listening to her. She didn’t see that. Did she know it that this boy has bullied me and other kids ever since I met him? If the answer is yes, then why she says such of thing? The nannies need to have sharper eyes, because many kids never get the protection they need, and my friends and I was one of them.

As matter of fact my life is good compare to other orphans. I lived in the capital of China, where the government could visit more often, although the orphanage would often put a show for it and show how “good” our orphanage is and the government didn’t check carefully. My supervisor was the top one out of my orphanage, she watches us closer than others in the orphanage. I couldn’t believe the fact while I was force to drank 4oz of water every half hour to an hour during a week day that we don’t have school, a girl who has bathroom problem in another floor almost died from a kidney problem because she won’t drink water because the nanny won’t change her diaper, and the nannies in that area didn’t care if she drinks water or not! I know one family who adopted 11 kids. The kids’ lives in the orphanages was worse than mine. When they adopting one of kids, that kid only would get close to the dad because he was so scare of the nannies. Another kid of theirs wrote a post about how her nannies cared her: 

http://www.flowerthatblooms.com/elyses-words/

I wanted to thank God that he gave me a good foster family the first 8 years of my life. They gave a good example of parenting. They allow me to do chore, sometimes I could do without their permission. They told me that I was smart. They made me felt that I could do anything I set my mind to. They didn’t over protect nor under watch me. If I didn't start my life with them, then I wouldn’t notice the nannies are wrong. I wouldn’t have the courage to stand up against them, which is one thing that I am proud of myself. I wouldn’t have the confidence, courage, and energy to fight them when nobody stood behind me. I am so lucky and blessed! However, 99% of orphans aren't that lucky or blessed! Many of them don’t have the confidence, courage, or energy to fight. In fact, Some of them probably are finding ways to end their life!

Dear Non-Disabled People:

亲爱的非残疾人：

我是一个残疾人。从小到现在，好多人看我是残疾就想保护我，问我需不需要帮助。有时候我说不需要。有时候即使我回答了好几遍他们还是一问再问。有时候别人根本就不问我需不需要帮助就替我做。很多时候我就认为他们这样做是因为我是残疾，不能做事儿。我不应该每次这样认为。我应该每次问问他们为什么这样做。我会尽量改变这个毛病的，不过这个毛病是很难改的。但是读者们，你们也要改改几件事儿。

每个人做的事就像是一幅画。当要画一幅画的时候，你得需要很多的颜色。不同的颜色就像是不同的身体部分。身体部分们得合作起来做好一件事儿。缺了一部分或一部分做的不好就像是缺了一种颜色或有一种颜色比别的颜色要少。哪部分做的越好，哪种颜色就越多。当你每天练习你的技术的时候，你就在你的颜色盒里面加颜色因为你再把你那不身体部分增加力量。每一个人颜色盒里面颜色的数量都是不一样的。我们残疾人失去了几种颜色，但这不证明我们颜色盒的重量比那些没有残疾人的颜色盒要少呀。我们可以有更多其他的颜色去代替我们失去的颜色然后做那些失去颜色和他们自己的任务。比如那些身体残疾的人，他们缺少的颜色不是最重要的颜色。比如说盲人他们的眼睛视力没有其他人的视力那么好，我就说他们失去的颜色是绿色吧。并不是每幅画都需要绿色的。在他们不需要绿色的时候他们可以轻轻松松用其他的颜色。如果他们需要绿色的时候，他们可以用黄色和蓝色画出绿色。就像比如他们在炒菜的时候，他们得知道什么时候那锅菜炒熟了。一般看见的人会只看看就行了。可是盲人看不见或他们看见的不好。那怎么办呀？就像刚才我说把黄色和蓝色画出绿色，盲人可以用耳朵，鼻子，和炒饭的铲子查查菜是不是熟了。我有脑瘫，说不定我少了几种颜色，但都是不是最重要的颜色。我也能用最重要的颜色弄出一副漂亮的画。

脑子残疾的人缺的颜色可能是一种最重要的颜色，他们画的画会比别人要简单一点，但他们还能画画。有些脑子残疾人颜色盒的重量可能跟别人一样多，只不过他们的每种颜色的重量是不一样的。说不定他们有一种颜色的重量别人的要多。

有的时候我们残疾人得有一个工具帮助我们。我写字写的不快，我一般在课上用电脑打字。盲人看不到，他们用盲杖或盲人狗当他们的眼睛。走路不好的人或不能走路的人用拐杖或轮椅帮他们行动，等等。我们不需要太多的帮助，只要那些工具，我们就没事儿了。其他的东西请你们不要担心。如果我们需要帮助的话，我们会问的。我想让你们就看着我们是怎么自理的。不要害怕。要对我们有信心呀！

有一天我听见了一个盲人说：“看见的人小看盲人是因为他们害怕没有视力的世界。” 这跟其他东西一样，有的非残疾人没有经常见过残疾人，说不定当他们见到了残疾人的时候在想如果他们是残疾的话，那会怎么样？当他们想这个的时候，他们就会害怕。他们就觉得自己会需要帮助，所以他们一见到残疾人就帮助他们。其实如果你想的话，残疾人只是几部分的身体工作的不怎么好，他们可以用其他部分的身体做事儿。世界上没有一个人什么事儿都不能做。如果有的话，那他就是死人。我听妈妈说有一个很高明的科学家是一个有麻痹的人。如果你看看你的周围，你就会看到有好多好多聪明或者和能干的残疾人。

如果你看见别人对残疾人太有帮助的时候，无论你在哪里，请教育教育他们。这样世界慢慢着就知道残疾人其实也能做事儿的。

现在有的国家大多数的孤儿都是残疾。我的国家中国可能有一千万孤儿，98%的孤儿是残疾。这是很严重的！如果我们能帮助中国人和其他国家的人相信残疾人能做事儿的话，那就没有那么多的孩子被抛弃了。

其实，残疾人跟别人一样，因为每个人都是不一样。每个人都用不同的方法去画画。如果用你的真心去看，你就会发现你自己眼睛没有发现的事情。李小龙说过一句话：“即使我们有一双眼睛，大多数的人并不真的是“看到”世界的。”

我希望你们能懂我这一页的博客，如果不懂的话，留下一个评论，我会很努力的给你们再解释一遍！

I have a disability. From when I was little till now, people wanted to protect me and asked me if I needed help when they saw that I have a disability. Sometimes I said no. Sometimes they asked me over and over even though I kept saying no. Sometimes people don't even ask me if I need help before they help me. Often I thought the reason that they did that is because I have a disability and they think I can't do stuff. I shouldn't think that. I should ask them why they did that. I will try my best to change that bad habit. However, readers, you all need to change some habit too.

Every person's work is like a picture. You have to have a lot of different colors to draw a picture. Different colors are like different organs. Organs have to work together to accomplish a task well. If you are missing an organ or one of your organs doesn't work very well, then you lost a color or the color isn't useful to work to their best to draw the picture. Which body part did the best, then that color will have the most. When you practice your technique everyday, you are adding color to your color box since one of your body parts is building strength. We, people with disabilities, may lose some colors, but that doesn't means that our color box weights less than other people. We could use other color to replace the missing color and do their and themselves' job. For people with physical disabilities, the color they are missing in a non-primary color. For example, blind people's sight isn't as good as other people, let me just said that their missing color is green. Not all pictures need green. They can easily use other color when they don't need green. If they do need green, they could use yellow and blue to draw green. For example, blind people need to know if the dish is done when they are cooking. Usually sighted people will just use their eyes to see it. However, blind people can't see or their sight isn't good. What now? Like I just said that they could use yellow and blue to draw green, blind people could use ear, nose, and spatula to tell if the dish is cooked. I have Cerebral Palsy; maybe I lost couple colors, but none of those are primary colors. I could primary colors to draw a beautiful picture too.

People with mental disabilities maybe lost one primary color, their picture will be simpler than other, but they still could draw. Some people with mental disabilities' color box weights the same as other people, only not all the colors are even out. Maybe one of their colors is more than the other people.

Sometimes we need a tool to help us. I don't write fast, usually type during class. Blind people can't see, they use cane and guide dog like their eyes. People have hard time walk or they can't walk use crutches or wheelchair to help them move, and etc. We don't need too much help, just those tool and we are set. You don't need to worry about other things. We will ask for help if we need to. I want to you to see how we become independent. Don't be scared. Have faith in us!

One time I hear a blind person said, "Sighted people underestimate blind people is because they are scare of a world without vision." This is same as other stuff, some non-disabilities people don't see people with disabilities often, and maybe they will imagine how will they live if they have disabilities when they see people disabilities. When they think, they would get scare. They think they need help, so they will help them when they see people with disabilities. However, if you really think about it, only a few body parts of people with disabilities doesn't work properly, they could use other body parts to do tasks. There is no one in the world can't do a single thing. If there are, then they are dead. I hear mom said that there is a brilliant scientist that is paralysis. If you look around, you will see many people with disabilities that are smart and independent.

If you see other people being too helpful to a person with disabilities, no matter where, please education them. Then the world would slowly know that people with disabilities actually could do tasks.

Right now some of the countries' major orphans are disable. My country, China, maybe have a million orphans, 98% of then are disable. That is serious! If we could help Chinese and other countries' citizens believe people with disabilities can do tasks, then maybe not many orphans will be abandon.

Actually, people with disabilities are same as other people, because everyone is different. Everybody draw picture differently. Use your heart to see, you will notice the stuff that your eyes can't see. Bruce Lee had a quote: "Though we possess a pair of eyes, most of us do not really 'see' in the true sense of the word."

I hope you guys could understand my post, if you don't, leave a comment, I will try my best to explain to you.

Things That Shoudn't be Done to Orphans and Newly Adopted Kids

不应该对孤儿和有新家的孩子做的事儿

不应该对孤儿做的事儿：

1. “叫我妈妈”或“叫她妈妈”
有一次在新年的时候，我们孩子们给阿姨和福利院办公室的阿姨表演节目。我们那时候有两个院长，一男一女。那个男的院长是新的。我那时候觉得院长叔叔好像要接替院长阿姨，但我也不太清楚。我们区长李阿姨告诉我们一会等院长阿姨和院长叔叔来的时候，我们孩子们得跟他们说：“院长妈妈新年好，院长爸爸新年好！” 我那时候没听。我反而叫他们阿姨和叔叔。他们又不是我的爸爸妈妈，我为什么要叫他们爸爸妈妈？而且他们又不跟我说话，说不定他们还不认识我呢！真正的爸爸妈妈是跟你说话的也认识你的，他们会每天看你问你好。我就是觉得阿姨们根本就没有权利随随便便告诉孤儿们叫别人爸爸妈妈。阿姨们应该让孤儿自己来做主。我在福利院四年只管两个阿姨叫过妈妈。这两个阿姨我都很喜欢。一个阿姨叫我叫她的，另一个阿姨是我问她的。现在我不叫她们妈妈了因为我有了美国“真正”妈妈，况且自从我离开了我寄养家庭之后，让我叫别人妈妈倒是挺有点变扭的。

2. “你应该怪你的父母把你跟扔了，他们那么狠！”
我觉得很少的孤儿在中国知道他们的父母放弃他们的原因。是的，他们有原因生他们亲生父母的气。但是，大人的任务应该是教孩子们怎么原谅他们的亲生父母。鼓励孩子们试着想想他们亲生父母选择的原因，然后长大后试着停止父母抛弃孩子。我觉得我亲生父母抛弃我的原因是因为我有残疾。他们觉得医生得治我，不然我就没有好生活，但他们没钱。我是气他们没有残疾人能做什么事儿的信心。但是现在也是时间让我自己原谅他们。我长大会给全世界看不管你有多残疾，只要你信心，只要你努力去做而且不放弃，那你做任何你想做的事儿，只是我们做的方法跟你们不一样而已。以后我会写一个关于残疾人的事儿。

3. “怪不得你爸妈扔了你”
有时候当孤儿做了让阿姨们或其他人生气的事儿，他们就会骂他们。有的时候大人就会用这句话骂他们。这件事儿从来都没有发生在我身上。但是，孤儿一般都是在他们小婴儿的时候被抛弃的。小婴儿能做什么严重的事儿让他们值得被抛弃？一件事儿都没有！孤儿跟其他人一样，只是他们的父母放弃了他们。而且根本就不是他们的错！

不应该对最近被收养的孩子做的事儿：

1. “你可真幸运呀！”
我不知道为什么别人会对最近被收养的孩子说这个。或许他们的意思是对于孤儿来说，被收养比一生都要当孤儿要好。这个想法我倒是同意。但或许你们不知道，让孩子们放弃一切东西去跟一个陌生人生活是很难的事情。如果加上他们陌生人说不同的语言就跟难了！这是叫幸运吗？孤儿一开始就不幸运。每个孩子一开始都应该有一个美好的家的。孤儿被收养是叫她们的生活可能会更好一些，根本就不是幸运。如果你们再这样说的话，那我想让你们回答一个问题：你愿意跟他们换生活吗？

2. “你为什么不爱你家人呀？”
a. 你会立马爱你上第一次见过的大人吗？如果你的答案是是的话，那在你要放弃你的一切的时候去跟一个陌生家庭生活，你会立马爱上他们吗？如果她们说不同的语言，你会立马爱上他们吗？你的答案还是是吗？如果不是的话，那请你们就不要问一个刚有新家的孩子这个问题。新家的时间对有些孤儿是短的，有些孤儿是长的。我的意思就是有些孩子融入家庭是挺快的。有些孩子融入家庭是挺慢的。你要给他们时间。所以如果你没有看到他们给他们的父母表现得他们的爱，那请不要问这个问题。当然，有时如果你问他们为什么没有想过他们的家人或是相同的问题，那请你也不要问。当别人问我这些问题的时候，我感到不舒服，我觉得我不是好人因为我不爱我新家人。我想问有新家的孩子这些问题的人应该不是会想给他们这样的感受吧。你可以试试告诉有新家的孩子他们的父母有多爱他们，但也不要太多。这样会让他们觉得很内疚。

b. 有时候父母会在他们第一收养的孩子融入家庭的时候再收养孩子。一般在父母收养很多孩子的时候，孩子们以前不知道对方。而且一般的时候收养哪个孩子不是那个已经被收养孩子的选择，所以第一个孩子不一定会立马爱上那个要走进他家庭的孩子。在这种情况，你也不能问这个问题。

我想让你们读完的时候分享给别人，尤其是让有新家的孩子烦的事儿。这两件事儿有时候对孤儿来说是很大的压力。如果他们不没压力的话，那说不定他们会融入家庭融入得更快。

Things That Irritate Orphans:

1. "Call me mom" or "Call her mom"
In 2012 during the Lunar New Year, we the kids performed show to the nannies and the orphanage office staff. At that time we have two orphanage directors, a man and a women. The man director was new. I believed that the women director was going to be replaced by the man director, but I am not sure. Our supervisor Nanny Li told us when the orphanage directors come in, we the kids need to say, "Happy New Year director mom, Happy New Year director dad!" I didn't listen. I called them aunt and uncle instead, which in China, is the same thing as ma'am and sir in America. They weren't my mom and dad, why should I call them mom and dad? Beside they never talked to me, maybe they don't even know me! Real mom and dad talked to you and know you, they will see you everyday and ask how are you doing. I just think that the nannies don't have any right to just tell orphans to call other people mom and dad. The nannies should let the orphans decides. I lived in the orphanage four years and I only call two nannies mom. I like both of them a lot. One of the told me to call her mom, I ask the other nanny to call her mom. Now I didn't call them mom anymore because I have "real" America mom, beside ever since I left my foster family, call other people mom was just awkward to me.

2. "You should blame your parents for they abandon you, what a cruel person they are!"
I think very few orphans in China know the reasons that their parents abandon them. Yes, they have the right to be mad at their biological parents. However, adult's job should be to teach the kids how to forgive their biological parents. Encourage them to try to think the reasons that their parents abandoned them, and later try to stop parents to abandon children when they grow up. I think the reason that my biological parents abandon me is that I have a disability. They thought that I have to be fixed by doctors, or I won't have a good life, but they didn't have money. I am mad that they don't have confidence that people with disability can do stuff. Now is the time for me to forgive them. When I grow up, I will show the whole world that no matter how disable you are, if you have confidence, if you work hard and not give up, then you can do anything you want to do. Is just that the way that we do stuff might be different than yours. Later I will write a post about people with disability.

3. "No wonder that you parents abandon you."
Sometimes when the orphans did something that made the nannies or other people mad, they will scold them. Sometimes the adults will use this sentence to scold them. This had never happen to me. However, orphans usually are being abandoned when they are infants. What big mistake can an infant do to deserve to be abandoned? Not a single thing! Orphans are same as everybody else, only their parents abandon them. And is just not their fault!

Things That Shouldn't be Done to Newly Adopted Kids:

1. "You are so lucky!"
I don't know why people would say that to a newly adopted kid. Maybe they mean that for orphans, it's better for them to be adopted than to be an orphan all life long. I agree with that. However, maybe you guys don't know that tell the kids to give up all the things and to live with strangers is very hard. It will be harder if the parents speak a different language! Is that called lucky? Orphans aren't lucky to begin with. Every kid should start with a love family. Orphans being adopted are called that their life might be better, but totally not lucky. If you continue to say this, then I want you to answer me a question: Would you trade life with them?

2. "Why you don't love your family?"
a. Will you fall in love immediately with an adult that you just met? If the answer is yes, then would you love the stranger family immediately when you have to give up all everything to live with them? If they speak different language, would you love them immediately? Is your answer still yes? If is not, then please don't ask that question to a newly adopted kids. A period of new family to some orphans are short, to some are long. What I mean is that some kids get use to the family fast. Some kids get use to the family slow. You have to give them time. So if you didn't see them show their love to their parents, then please don't ask that question. Of course, if sometimes you ask them why they never miss or think about their family or similar question, then don't ask that either. When people ask me this question, I felt uncomfortable; I thought I wasn't a good person because I don't love my new family. I think the people who ask newly adopted kids these questions doesn't want them to feel that way, right? You can try to tell the newly adopted kids how much their parents love them, but not too much. Because then it was made them feel guilty.

b. Sometime parents will adopted another kid during their first adopted kid's adjustment to the family. Usually when parents adopted many kids, the kids didn't know each other before they got adopted. Beside usually it's not the kid who got adopted to choose whom should they adopted. So the adopted kids might not fell in love with the kid who is going to enter his/her family. In this situation, you can't ask those questions that I talked about either.

I want you guys to share to other people when you finished read this, especially about things that shouldn't be done to the newly adopted kids. These two things sometimes are pressure to them. If they don't have that pressure, then maybe they will get use to the family quicker.

Thought about Family as an Orphan

孤儿对家庭的想法

读者们好！我好长时间没有在我的博客写东西了。我的学校生活很忙而且这几个月我也不知道我应该在我的博客上写什么。现在我想了想：我想写作为一个孤儿，我对家庭是有什么样的想法。这是一个很难的过程而且大多数我是孤儿的时候我也不知道我是怎么想的。

我从小是跟一个寄养家庭在农村长大的。我以为他们是我的亲生父母。不过同时，我在那里上学的时候我觉得我班跟其他班不一样。我也不知道我是怎么知道我班大多数或所有的同学，加上我，都是孤儿。我养父有时候跟我开玩笑说：“如果你不听话的话，那你就会送到福利院。”我那时候笑了笑然后什么都没想。

当我八岁的时候，不知道为什么，我被送到了福利院。但我也没有问任何问题。我养母实在是舍不得我走。我养父安慰安慰了我养母。我那时候很想念我的养父养母因为他们对我很好。在我在福利院4年的时候，他们只看过我两次。我知道有一个女孩的寄养家庭父母在她被收养之前在福利院的一两年时就被看望过16次。我不明白为什么我养父养母只看我一两次。难道他们不想我吗？不对。当他们看我的时候然后我们要分开的时候我养母是很舍不得我的。阿姨们告诉我那个女孩被看望那么多次是因为她很听话。（他们老是用这个原因，像你为什么没有被收养什么的）我那时候没有相信因为那个愿意根本就不符合道理。后来我知道我养父养母问了他们去看我好几遍了，但不知为什么，他们只让我养父养母看我一两次。

我在福利院最后一年的时候，我听有人给他的寄养父母打了电话。阿姨们告诉我们福利院的电话不能打外线的。(除非你摁9）

我给我寄养家庭和刘雨晴打了几个电话。然后有一天有一个在办公室的阿姨告诉我我养母告诉了他们我给他们打了电话，我告诉了他们事实然后他们说我不能再打了。我那时候不高兴。第一，为什么我养母告诉了他们？第二，为什么我不能给我寄养父母打电话？我又不是石头，我是有感受的！对我来说，他们是在偷走我的家！然后我继续想，为什么我寄养家庭把我送到福利院？我那时候知道我是个孤儿，但同时我又觉得我寄养家庭是我的亲生家庭。这个对你们和我都很糊里糊涂的！

后来我知道我养母没有告诉福利院我给他们打了电话。那个阿姨骗我这样我能说实话，这实在是太不公平了！他们怎么能这样做呀！在福利院，很多阿姨说谎，我讨厌她们说谎，而且她们从来都没有为了这个道过歉！但小孩说谎的时候，她们就告诉小孩子们说谎是不好的。这也太不公平了吧！我后来也知道我寄养父母不是我的亲生父母，他们把我送到福利院是因为他们想让我上个好学校然后或许被收养。

在福利院里，人们说好多关于收养的事儿。我只在听到孩子们被收养了或是他们要被收养的时候才想到想有家。我知道当你14岁的时候，你就不能被收养了。当我12岁左右，我不敢想象在中国外面跟一个家庭生活。当我听到孩子去美国的时候，我就想为什么没有一个孩子呆在中国？有一次我听说我的一个朋友被一个中国家庭收养而且住在另一个中国的部分。那时我就希望我的未来是被一个中国家庭收养而且呆在中国。当然了，这个根本就没有发生。但我是真的很希望中国人会收养中国小孩的！那就太好了！

有时候我在中国想：“如果我没有被收养而且呆在中国又有什么大不了的？我的生活又不是那么坏。”

在2011年，11月29日，阿姨们告诉我我有家庭了。我那时候很高兴，但说实话，我也不知道为什么我那么高兴。我只知道我很高兴。你们从来有没有这个感受呀？我从那天到我见到我父母之前都很高兴。当我见到我父母的时候，我就变安静了。当我们要走的时候我留了几滴眼泪。然后我们去了将阿姨和叔叔的家里。他们的工作是欢迎外国人然后让他们了解了解北京。当他们商量我们在北京这几天应该做什么，我主要就是想看我知道的人。他们同意了而且结果我看望了我小学大约一小时。然后我去了刘雨晴的家里。那天是我和我父母在中国做好的一天。

我跟我父母的第二天是我签字同不同意他们当我的父母。我说我同意因为我知道如果我不同意的话，阿姨肯定会骂我骂道我会后悔后悔到一生。我是怎么知道的？有二个孩子被收养了但他们拒绝了。有一个孩子后悔了阿姨们跟他们提了这件事好几次。

当我来到了美国，我很想中国而且家里没有什么事儿可以做的。我浪费了好多时间。我打了好多电话。中国人好多次都告诉我我父母是爱我的而且我也要爱他们。我那是很不舒服而且很内疚。

当我妈妈收养了我从来都没有认识的Lucy，我美国同学会问我我想不想她或是我爱不爱她。我没有回答，但我很内疚。

有一次我们去了一个饭店家北京，那里有一个中国阿姨问我我是不是被收养的。我们说是的。她说我很幸运。我那时候不同意因为我是在跟两个陌生人一起住而且他们说的语言跟我不一样，但我也没说什么。

一年又一年过去了，Amy来到了我家庭。时间过去了，Amy在我融入家庭之前自己融入了家庭。看着看着，我就希望我也能有这样的快乐。所以我开始学怎么爱我家人。这是一个很长的过程！但我做到了！！！我为我父母要等我三年的时间才会回爱他们感到对不起，但后来我知道从当孤儿到有一个陌生家庭是非常难的！！你得让他们慢慢的融入家庭里。

我有跟多的感受要写，但我觉得要把所有的写到一夜博客上好像是太多了。所以请您呆在这儿！

Hey Readers! It's been a long time since I've written anything down in my blog. I got pretty busy with my school life and I don't know what to write in my blog these couple months. Right now I thought about it: I want to write about as a orphan, what do I think about family. It's a hard process and I didn't know how do I felt about it when I was an orphan most of the times.

Growing up, I lived with a foster family on the country side. I thought they were my biological parents. However, at the same time, I went to school there and I felt that my class is different than other class in the school. Somehow, I knew that most or all of my classmates are orphan, including me. My foster father sometimes joked with me saying, "If you don't well behave, then you will be sent into the orphanage." I laughed, and didn't really think about it.

When I was eight years old, I move to the orphanage and don't know why! I didn't ask any questions though. My foster mother had a hard time of letting me go. My foster father comforted my foster mother. I missed my foster parents a lot because they were really good to me. They only visit me once or twice while I was in the orphanage for 4 years. I knew a girl who was getting 16 visits in one or two years before she got adopted. I wondered why my foster parents only visit me that much. Do they not miss me? No. When they visit me, they looked like they miss me a lot and when the visit is over, my foster mother had a hard time of letting me go. The nannies told me the girl got so much visit because she was so well behaved. (They use if you well behaved for a lot of reason, like why you didn't get a family!) I didn't believe the reason anyway because it's just doesn't make any sense to me. Later I found out that my foster family asked to visit me many times, but for some reasons, they only let them visit me once or twice.

The last years of orphanages, I heard somebody made phone call to their foster family. The nannies have been told kids that the phone in the orphanage can't make phone call outside the orphanages. (not if you don't hit 9 before you dial the number)

I made couple phone calls to my foster parents and to Liu Yuqing. Then one day one of the nannies who work in office told me that my foster mother told them that I made phone calls to them, I told them to truth and they say to not to do it again. I was unhappy. First, why my foster mother told them? Second, why can't I talk to my foster parents? I am not a rock, I have feelings! To me, they were steal my family from me! Then I wondering more, why my foster family sent me to the orphanage? I knew I was an orphan, yet at the same time I thought my foster family was my biological family. That was so confusing to you and to me too!!

Later I know that my foster mother didn't tell the orphanage that I made phone call to me. That nanny lied to me so I could admit the truth, that is so unfair! How could they do that! In the orphanage, a lot of the nanny lie, I hated it when they did it, and they never said sorry about it. When it come to kids lying, they told the kids that it's not good to lie! So unfair! I also found out that my foster parents aren't my biological parents, and they sent me to the orphanage to have better education and maybe get adopted.

People talk a lot of adoption in the orphanage. I only thought about wanting a family when I hear kids adopted or when they talk about who is getting a family. I knew when you turn 14, you aged out. When I was around 12, I could't imagine of having a family and living outside of China. Sometimes when they talk about kids go to America, I wondered why none of them stay in China? One time I hear a rumor that one of my friends was adopted by a Chinese family and live in another part of China. That time I wished that my future will be a Chinese family adopt me and stay in China. Of course, it didn't happen. Though I really wish that Chinese people will adopted Chinese orphans! That will be wonderful!!

Sometimes in China I thought, "What's the big deal if I don't get adopted and stay in China? My life isn't too horrible anyway."

On November 29. 2011, the nannies told me that I have a family. I was so happy, but to be honest, I didn't quiet know what I was happy about. I just know that I was happy. Have you had that kind of feelings? I stay happy until the day when my parents got me. I got quiet. When we are leave, I drop a little bit of tears. Then we went back to a house that belong to a women whose name is Joy, and the men call Michael. They job was to welcome foreigners to their house and get them to know Beijing. When they talk about what to do while my family stay in Beijing, the main things that I thought was to see the people that I know. They agree and I ended up visiting my elementary school for about  a hour or so. Then I went to LiuYuqing's house. That day was the best day when I was in China with my parents.

The second day with my parents is the day that I sign whether if I want them to be my parents or not. I said yes because I knew if I didn't said yes, the nannies probably going to scold me so bad that I am going to be regret for the rest of my life. How do I know that? There was two kids that was adopted but said no to it. One of them regret because the nannies reminded them again and again.

When I came to America, I was very homesick and there is nothing to do. I waste a lot of times. I made a lot of phone calls. People in China told me over and over again that my parents loves me and I should loves them back. I felt very uncomfortable and guilty.

When my mom adopted Lucy, who was totally stranger to me before, my American classmates will ask if I miss Lucy or loves her. I didn't answer, but I felt guilty.

Onetime we went to a restaurant call Beijing and there is a women who is Chinese and ask me if I was adopted. We told her yes. She said that I was lucky. I disagreed at that time because I was living with two strangers who speak different languages but I didn't say anything.

Year went by, Amy came to our family. Time went by, Amy started to get use to the family before me. As I watched, I wish I could have that kind of happiness too. So I started to learned how to love my family. It's a such long process! However, I did it!!! I felt sorry that my parents have to wait 3 years for me to loves them back, but I later also understood that transition from an orphan to having a family with strangers is just hard!! You just have to let them to take their own time to get adjust to the family.

I have a lot more thoughts to write down, but I think it's too long to write in one post. So please hang in there!

Prayer for Ma Weibo

为马伟波祈祷

在8月13号的时候，有一个家庭说他们要收养马伟波啦！这真的是让我很开心呀！这是一个很难的路。之前我是特别着急因为时间不多了。我常常怪我自己因为当我帮她找家的时候，时间就已经不多啦。有时候我怪我自己我自私。我真的不敢相信上帝会在这最后一刻帮她找到一个家庭。上帝真的是太好了！

我觉得马伟波会来到美国的，不过有时候我很害怕，因为当我帮助苏楠楠的时候我失败了。我现在还是每天帮马伟波祈祷，但是收养她的家庭的收养程序现在的速度很慢。我想问问你们帮马伟波祈祷。祈祷她的家庭会在她14岁之前能够把她带到美国来。祈祷当他们收养马伟波的时候一切都会过得很顺利。

如果她没有家的话，不要担心，我这次是不会怪我自己，因为我知道没有什么东西可以阻止上帝的计划。况且，她在福利院的生活也不是特别坏。可是，我还是更希望她有一个家庭。无论怎么样，我会跟的上帝的计划的。

谢谢你们！

On August 13, there was one family said they were going to adopting Ma Weibo! That make me very happy! It has been a tough journey. Before I was super worry about it because the time is running out. I often I would blame myself because by the time I tried to find her a family, time is already running out. Sometime I would blame myself selfish. I really can’t believe that God would find her a family at the last moment. God is so good!

I think Ma Weibo will come to America, but sometime I’m very afraid, because I failed when I tried to help Su Nannan. Right now I will pray for Ma Weibo every night, but the family that is adopting her the adopting process speed is very slow. I want to ask you guys help to pray for Ma Weibo. Pray that her family will bring her to America before she is 14. Pray when they adopting her, everything will go well.

If she doesn’t have a family, don’t worry, this time I would not blame myself, because I know nothing could stop God’s plan. Beside, her life in the orphanage isn’t too bad. However, I still rather her having a family. No matter what, I will follow God’s plan.

Thank you!

My Friend- Ma Weibo

我的朋友-马伟波

我在北京有一个朋友叫马伟波，她这个十月十四日就十四岁了。我很想让她有一个家庭。她的性格跟Amy差不多，活泼可爱，爱说话。她这人特爱体育和美术。她特想要一个家庭。

我每天都会向神祈祷，但是她依然没有家。我开始放弃希望了。忽然，我想起了一个圣经故事，是关于Abraham和神。神曾经答应他的名族会有无数的人，可是到他九十九岁的时候，他还没有孩子。当Abraham准备放弃希望的时候，他的妻子生一个小孩。想到这里，我觉得马伟波会有一个家庭，只不过不是我想要的时间。神在对Abraham一样考验我，但是神的耐心比我要好的好。我知道我现在我不会通过他的考验。但是，我还有一点点希望。所以我觉得，如果我跟大家说的话，说不定有一个人会收养她的。

现在我先问你们帮忙，让马伟波有一个家。我知道我们快没有时间了，但是我们可以把握时间。如果你有任何问题的话，你可以留一个评论。然后我会很乐意的回答你的问题。

I have a friend call Ma Weibo in Beijing, she will be turn 14 this October. I really want her to have a family. Her personality is the same as Amy, have a lot of energy and also cute. She likes PE and Art. She wants a family.

I pray to the Lord every day, but she still doesn’t have a family. I started giving up hope. Suddenly, I remember a Bible story, which is about Abraham and God. God promised him that his nation will be numberless, but when he was ninety nine, he still doesn’t have a kid. When Abraham was about to give up hope, his wife had a baby. Thinking about that, I think Ma Weibo will have a family, it just not the time I want. God is testing me like the way he does to Abraham, although God’s patience is much better than mine. I know now I will not pass the test. However, I still have a little bit of hope. So I think, if I told everybody, maybe there will one person adopt her.

Now I’m asking you guys to help Ma Weibo have a family. I know we don’t have much time, but we can use time wisely. If you have questions, you can leave a comment. Then I will love to answer your questions.

Am I Going to Have Six Sibling or Not

我会有六个兄弟姐妹吗？

我以前跟你们说过我们家会不会有第七个孩子，对吧。我想你们也想知道我们到底有没有在收养一个小孩。现在我就告诉你。

上次我跟你们说过妈妈的目标是福甜。爸爸也很同意妈妈。可是，Amy和我觉得她实在是太安静了。我们的家庭有一点点吵，所以我觉得如果福甜来到我们家的话，她可能会被冷落的。可是，我还是想让她有一个家庭，只不过不是我们的家庭。现在有人已经在收养她了，但我不知道他们弄完了没有。我为她感到很高兴。

有一天，Amy跟我说妈妈跟她看了一个北京盲童小孩的视频。Amy很喜欢那个小孩。我当时很好奇，所以就问了一下妈妈。当我一看她的脸的时候，我就立马认识她了。她以前跟我一块儿住，我那时候很喜欢她。我觉得她很可爱，我好想收养她呀。

可是，那时候妈妈还是很想收养福甜。爸爸跟妈妈一样。Amy和我想收养那个北京福利院的小孩。后来我们问了问Lucy，她说福甜。所以我们好像会收养她的。

又有一天，Amy跟我说福甜有家了。所以当时我们就想那我们就可以收养那个北京市儿童福利院的小孩。可是，妈妈说我们不会收养的。我们弄完收养了，所以我不会有六个兄弟姐妹，我会有五个。

Before I wrote about if we were going have the seventh kid or not, right? I guess you might want to know if we adopt one more kid or not. Well, right now I’m going to tell you.

Last time I wrote that mom’s goal is Futian. Dad also agree with mom. However, Amy and I thought she is just too quiet. Our family is quiet loud, so I thought if Futian came to our family, she might be left out. However, I still want her to have a family,just not ours. Now there is someone adopting her, but I don’t know if they finish or not. I was very happy for her.

One day, Amy told me that mom show her a video of a Beijing blind girl. Amy like that kid. I was very curious, so I askedmom. When I saw her face, I recognized her immediately. She lived with me before, I liked her very much at the time. I thought she was very cute, I really wanted to her adopt her.

However, mom still wanted to adopt Futian. So does Dad. Amy and I wanted to adopt the girl from Beijing orphanage. Later we ask Lucy, she said Futian. So looked like we were going to adopt her.

Another day, Amy told me that Futian had a family. So we thought we could adopt the girl from Beijing orphanage. However, mom said no. We are done with adoption, so I am not going have six siblings, I’m going to have five.

Having No Heart

没有一颗心

在2015年3月9日，我们的一只狗去死了。那天下午妈妈说：“我们明天会把它弄睡觉的姿态。”后来我们晚上接上了一个电话，兽医就说她们那晚可以就来。

等他们来了，爸爸妈妈要我们跟她说再见。等我们说再见了候，Lucy和Amy哭了。那时候我并没有哭，我在读一个博客。我也没有感觉到什么。等那只狗走了，所有家里的人都哭了，所有家里的人都很伤心。但是，我却没有哭，我也没有感觉到什么。我不明白为什么我什么都感觉不到。

晚上我问妈妈我为什么，妈妈说可能我没其他家里的人跟那只狗那么的近吧。那时候我就很伤心。我去了我的房间，痛痛快快的打了我自己。我很生气。我对自己说：“你怎么那么没心呀！”那时候我觉得我这人根本就不值得生活在世上。别人为了那只狗那么的伤心，可我就什么感觉不到。我真的很不想活在这世上了。

后来Amy发现我打了我自己，然后告诉了妈妈。等妈妈跟我说晚安的时候她问我我为什么对自己不高兴。我告诉了她原因。她后来解释了那是因为我是在保护我的心。那时候我就想Lucy和Amy的过去比我的过去要更狠。妈妈说那是因为我害怕去爱别人，害怕会失去他们，所以我不爱他们。那时候我就想我是个胆小鬼。之后她就说即使是生活在好父母的孩子也会害怕的。可她说什么我都不相信。在中国有那么的人喜欢我，可我这人从来都没有为别人哭过，我只为自己哭过。后来我就哭了好几了分钟。

第二天我还是在想这件事情。我想了又想，我觉得我这人不应该见人。我这人的心那么的小，那么的黑。我这人就是没有一个善良的心！我那时候怎么知道我这十五年是怎么活的。前几个星期我的老阿姨和我们邻居的一只狗去死了，我也什么都没有感觉到。

我老是有一个问题：为什么我真没有一颗心的人能让那么多的喜欢我，爱我。我从来都不会知道。

On March 9^th, 2015, one of our dogs passed away. That afternoon mom said, “Tomorrow we will put her to sleep.” Then at night we got a phone call, the vet said they could come that night.

When they came, mom and dad told us to said good bye to her. After we said goodbye to her, Lucy and Amy started to cry. I didn’t cry at the time, I was reading a blog. I didn’t feel anything. When the dog was gone, every family member cried, everyone was sad. However, I didn’t cry, I didn’t felt anything. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel anything.

At night I asked mom why, mom said maybe because I was not as close to the dogs as others. I was very sad. I went to my room, frankly hit myself. I was super mad. I told myself, “why you don’t have a heart?!” I thought I don’t have the right to live on Earth. Other people were very sad for that dog, but I didn’t feel anything. I really didn’t want to live on Earth.

Later Amy saw I hit myself and told mom. When mom said goodnight to me she asked me why I wasn’t happy with myself. I told her the reason. Later she explained to me, it’s because I was protecting my heart. I thought about that Lucy and Amy’s past is much worse than me. Mom said it’s because I am afraid to love other people, afraid I could lose them. That made me think I’m coward, then she said that even the kids grew up with good parents also would be afraid. However, I just doesn’t believe it. In China many people like me, but I never cried for other people. I just cried for myself. Later I cried for couple minutes.

Second day I still thought about it. I kept thinking, I thought I shouldn’t meet people. My heart is so small, so black. I don’t have a kind heart! How did I live fifteen years! In the last couple of weeks my Great-great Aunt and one of our neighbor’s dog died, and I didn’t feel anything.

I have a question: Why does everybody like me or love me even though I don’t have any heart? I never know.

Steal Children's Heart

偷小孩的心

在美国我听过有时候当那些孤儿要被收养的时候，那些大人会告诉他们一些可怕的事儿，然后那些小孩就没有被收养因为他们很害怕。在中国我听说过这个故事，我觉得他们不应该做这个。不过，那时候我不怎么相信因为后来我见了那个人而且我觉得她这人很好。她不是大人。后来她告诉我她做了这个是因为她从一个电影看的。之后我就没怎么想这件事儿了。

今年我听到了很多的故事儿。因为我现在更会为孤儿担心了，我就开始生气了。我就是不懂，为什么那些大人会这样？人家小孩又没有找你惹他们的。难道他们就那么讨厌那些小孩儿嘛？那些小孩会有家了，所以她们不会再见到那些小孩了。为什么他们 非把那些小孩弄得那么的害怕？为什么他们就是不能给那些小孩一个好生活?如果他们不喜欢照顾那些小孩的话，那他们根本就不用当阿姨了。

有的时候那些阿姨老师骂他们。时间过久了，那些小孩就开始相信他们不应该活在这个世界。他们是很坏的小孩。没有一个人会爱护他们的。说到了这儿就会让我很伤心。那些小孩不应该信这些事情。他们应该相信他们是有多么的好。他们不应该放弃他们自己。为什么那些大人对他们那么坏。是，他们是孤儿，可是这又说了什么？这并没有说他们是坏人。这并没有说他们不会成为一些伟大或一个好人。这只是说了他们的父母抛弃了他们。他们的身世根本就没有证明他们有什么人格。

如果我们收养更多的小孩，那更少的小孩不会放弃自己。很多的小孩会知道自己有多么的棒。收养是帮助他们的开始。

In American I heard sometimes when kids were going to beadopted, some adult told them scare stuff, then these kids didn’t get adopt because they were super scared. In China I heard those story, I thought they shouldn’t have done that. However, at that time I didn’t believe because later I met that person and I thought she was a really good person. She wasn’t adult. Later she told me she did that because she saw from a movie. After that I didn’t think about so much.

This years I heard many stories. Since I care more about orphans, I started got mad. I just don’t understand, why those adult would do that? Those kids did nothing to you. Do they hate the kids that much? Those kids would have family, so they would not see those kids again. Why they made them so scared? Why they just can’t give them a good life? If they doesn’t like to take care of the kids, then they simply don’t have to be nannies.

Sometimes those nannies would scold them. As time go by, those kids started believe they shouldn’t live in the world. They are bad kids. Nobody would love them. Talk about that it start made me sad. Those kids shouldn’t believe those stuff. They should believe how awesome they are. They shouldn’t give up on them. Why those adults treat them so bad. Yes, they are orphans, but what did that say? It didn’t say they are bad people. It didn’t say they will not be amazing or good person. It just said their parents abandon them. Their life experience didn’t prove what kind of personality they will have.

If we adopt more children, then less children wouldn’t not give up on themselves. More children would know how awesome they are. Adopting is starting of helping them.

Change the House

改变家里

对于美国马里兰州来说，我们的房子是很小的。一般的房子都是我们的两倍。我们现在的房子住这五个人和一只狗。我们每天都过着自由自在，高高兴兴。有一次，爸爸妈妈跟我说我们的地下室要重新弄一弄。当时我觉得我们的地下室一点问题都没有，但是妈妈说她觉得我们的地下室很乱。我想：“那我们就直接可以起来整理整理呀。我们根本就不需要花那么多的钱。”

爸爸妈妈用了一千多美元来整理整理我们的地下室。我们的地下室的确是比以前要整齐了很多。可是，每次当爸爸妈妈花那么多钱的时候都让我想起：我们真的需要吗？我觉得我们还可以坚持坚持。有时候我觉得我们可以用那么多的钱去收养一个小孩或是帮助一个孤儿找到家庭。我不知道为什么我对孤儿那么有兴趣或我那么的关心孤儿。但是，我就是帮助不了我自己，每次我都会想这个。有时候我看看我们家里有那么多的东西，我就觉得我们可以把这些卖了然后帮助一些孤儿。

钱不是一个好的也不是坏的。你有多少钱也不会决定你是好人或是坏人。你怎么花钱会决定你的人格。我决定将来把我大部分的钱帮助孤儿。你想怎么样，那就是你的事儿了。我希望更多的人帮助更多的孤儿。

To Maryland, our house is very small. Usually the other house is twice as ours. Right now our house have 5 people and one dog. Every day we live happily and freely. One time. Mom and dad said to me that our basement need to fix. I thought our basement doesn’t have any problem, but mom said she thought our basement was very mess. I thought, “Then we can just get up and clean. We don’t need to spend that much money at all.”

Mom and dad used more than $1000 to clean our basement. Our basement do look cleaner. However, every times when mom and dad use that much money it made me think: Do we need it? I think we still can live without it. Sometimes I think we could use that much money to adopt a kid or help an orphan to find a family. I don’t know why I’m interesting so much to orphans or care so much about them. However, I just couldn’t help myself, every times I will think about this. Sometimes I look around my house have so much stuff, I think we could sell it and then help some orphans.

Money isn’t a good or bad thing. How much money you have doesn’t prove if you are a good person or a bad person. How you spent your money will decide on your personality. I deicide that in the future I will use most of money to help orphans. What you want, it’s on you. I hope more people will help more orphans.

Eighth Grade

八年级

在2014年我上了八年级。一开始的时候我很不高兴因为我在课上老是不懂。我的老师一开始不怎么懂我。我那时候好不高兴。不过，我这人很幸运。我问了问我七年级的老师帮助，然后我就懂了。时间过去了，我的老师开始懂得我了。我也开始喜欢我的老师了。渐渐的我开始向我的八年级的老师问帮助了。我开始喜欢我的课程了。

八年级也是最难的。我有两节跳舞课，一个大提琴，一个吉他，一个做饭和缝东西的，和体育。今年是我第一次学大提琴。我一开始很高兴。去年夏天我试了试小提琴，但是我觉得很难因为我老是弄不住。我那时候觉得大提琴比较更简单，所以我就试了试大提琴，但是大提琴也不是很简单。很多的时候我很有问题，现在我终于知道怎么解决这些问题了。说实话，我不怎么喜欢大提琴，我明年只想学木琴。

跳舞开始很难，但是现在简单了一些。吉他可是最无聊的一节课了。我最喜欢做饭了！我也很喜欢缝东西，但是我们用的是机器，而且不知道怎么回事儿，每次我用的时候那个机器都会出事儿。真不知道为什么！难道那个机器那么讨厌我吗？

当然了，八年级也有好的地方。我每个星期都能见到我七年级的老师。我每天都能见到我在美国学校最好的朋友。有的八年级的老师也挺好玩的。其中最好玩的就是我的历史老师，他每天都笑笑笑。我每天都在他课里笑。真是太好了。

虽然八年级没有七年级那么好，但是我还是挺喜欢八年级的。现在是五月了，还有几个星期我们就要放暑假了。我会好舍不得Severna Park中学的。

In 2014 I went to eighth grade. At first I was very unhappy because I always don’t understand in classes. My teachers at first couldn’t understand me. I was very unhappy at the time. However, I was very lucky. I asked my seventh grade teachers’ help. Then I understand it. As time goes by, my teachers started understand me. I also started like my teachers. Slowly I started asked help to my eighth grade. I started like my classes.

Eighth also is the hardest. I have two dance classes, one cello, one guitar, one cooking and sewing, and PE. This year is my first year learning cello. At first I was very happy. Last summer I tried violin, but I thought it was very hard because I couldn’t hold it. I thought cello would be easier, so I tried cello, but cello was easy. Many times I had problem with it, now I finally know how to solve the problem. Tell you the truth, I don’t like cello so much, next year I just want to learn xylophone.

Dance class was hard at first, but now it’s easier. Guitar is the most boring class. I like cooking the best! I like sewing too, but we used machine, and for some reason, every times when I use it will always has problem. Don’t know why! Wasn’t the machine hated me that much?

Of course, eighth grade had good part. Every week I could see my seventh grade teachers. Every day I could see my best friend in school. Some of the eighth teachers are pretty funny. The funniest is my history teacher, every day he would laugh and laugh. Every day I would laugh in his class. It’s so nice.

Even though eighth grade isn’t as good as seventh grade, but I still like eighth grade. Right now is May, few weeks we will have summer vacation. I will miss SPMS.

 

Thoughts about Hugs

对拥抱的想法

在我的记忆力，当我跟我寄养家庭生活的时候，我的寄养父母从来都没有抱过我。那时候我也很讨厌拥抱。我觉得拥抱是那种男女朋友的东西。当时我就想：拥抱真恶心，我从来都不会给别人拥抱的。

当我来到了福利院然后去了学校。我还是不怎么喜欢拥抱，但是我也那么讨厌拥抱。有些大人很喜欢摸我，但是不我喜欢他们摸我。为什么他们非摸我，不摸别人？我这人又不那么的可爱或吸引人。

到了四年级我有了我中国最喜欢的老师之后，我一直想给她一个拥抱。但是，我从来都没有看过其他学生抱过他们的老师，所以我觉得这可能会违反了学校的规则。当时我也害怕我中国最喜欢的郑老师会骂我如果我跑过去抱他的话。说不定她会觉得我有神经病。况且，她那时候没有抱过我，所以我哪知道如果她喜不喜欢抱我。我觉得她会生气我的。

说到了生气，有一次我摸了一个同学因为我很喜欢她。之后她就告诉她姥姥我抓了她，然后她姥姥骂了我。当时我就不高兴，我只是摸了她而已。但是，那时候我也没说什么，因为我觉得可能是我的指甲太长了吧。从那以后我是不会抱别人的除非他们先抱我的或他们问我的因为我不想他们不高兴。

到了美国的时候，我觉得他们是超爱拥抱。我一点儿不喜欢。不过后来我已经适应了。现在如果别人问我拥抱的话，我一般都会说好的。有一个倒是没有改变：我是不会跟男生拥抱的，除非是我的家庭。

In my memory, when I lived in my foster home, my foster parents never hugged me. At that time I really hated hugs. I thought hugs are for between boyfriends and girlfriends. That time I thought: Hugs. Yucky. I would never hug other people.

When I came to the orphanage and then went to school, I still didn’t like hugs, but I didn’t hate hugs either. Some adults liked to touch me very much. However, I didn’t liked that they touched me. Why they touch me, not others? I wasn’t really a cute or attractive person.

When I had my Chinese favorite teacher in fourth grade, I always wanted to give her a hug. However, I never saw other students hug their teachers, so I thought that it was against school rules. At that time I was scared my favorite teacher, Mrs. Zheng, would scold me if I ran to hug her. Maybe she would think I’m crazy. In fact, at that time she didn’t hugged me before, so how was I supposed to know if she liked me to hug her or not. I thought she would be mad at me.

Talking about getting mad at other people, one time I touched one student because I liked her very much. Then she told her grandma that I scratched her, and her grandma scolded me. At the time I was unhappy, I just touched her. However, I didn’t say anything, because I thought maybe because my nails were too long it felt like a scratch. From there I never hugged people unless they first hugged me or they asked me because I don’t want them to be mad.

When I came to America, I thought I love to hug people, but I didn’t liked it. However, later I became use to it. Now if somebody asks me to hug them, I usually will say yes. There’s one thing that didn’t change, I would not gave boy a hug, unless he is my family.