孤儿对家庭的想法
读者们好！我好长时间没有在我的博客写东西了。我的学校生活很忙而且这几个月我也不知道我应该在我的博客上写什么。现在我想了想：我想写作为一个孤儿，我对家庭是有什么样的想法。这是一个很难的过程而且大多数我是孤儿的时候我也不知道我是怎么想的。
我从小是跟一个寄养家庭在农村长大的。我以为他们是我的亲生父母。不过同时，我在那里上学的时候我觉得我班跟其他班不一样。我也不知道我是怎么知道我班大多数或所有的同学，加上我，都是孤儿。我养父有时候跟我开玩笑说：“如果你不听话的话，那你就会送到福利院。”我那时候笑了笑然后什么都没想。
当我八岁的时候，不知道为什么，我被送到了福利院。但我也没有问任何问题。我养母实在是舍不得我走。我养父安慰安慰了我养母。我那时候很想念我的养父养母因为他们对我很好。在我在福利院4年的时候，他们只看过我两次。我知道有一个女孩的寄养家庭父母在她被收养之前在福利院的一两年时就被看望过16次。我不明白为什么我养父养母只看我一两次。难道他们不想我吗？不对。当他们看我的时候然后我们要分开的时候我养母是很舍不得我的。阿姨们告诉我那个女孩被看望那么多次是因为她很听话。（他们老是用这个原因，像你为什么没有被收养什么的）我那时候没有相信因为那个愿意根本就不符合道理。后来我知道我养父养母问了他们去看我好几遍了，但不知为什么，他们只让我养父养母看我一两次。
我在福利院最后一年的时候，我听有人给他的寄养父母打了电话。阿姨们告诉我们福利院的电话不能打外线的。(除非你摁9）
我给我寄养家庭和刘雨晴打了几个电话。然后有一天有一个在办公室的阿姨告诉我我养母告诉了他们我给他们打了电话，我告诉了他们事实然后他们说我不能再打了。我那时候不高兴。第一，为什么我养母告诉了他们？第二，为什么我不能给我寄养父母打电话？我又不是石头，我是有感受的！对我来说，他们是在偷走我的家！然后我继续想，为什么我寄养家庭把我送到福利院？我那时候知道我是个孤儿，但同时我又觉得我寄养家庭是我的亲生家庭。这个对你们和我都很糊里糊涂的！
后来我知道我养母没有告诉福利院我给他们打了电话。那个阿姨骗我这样我能说实话，这实在是太不公平了！他们怎么能这样做呀！在福利院，很多阿姨说谎，我讨厌她们说谎，而且她们从来都没有为了这个道过歉！但小孩说谎的时候，她们就告诉小孩子们说谎是不好的。这也太不公平了吧！我后来也知道我寄养父母不是我的亲生父母，他们把我送到福利院是因为他们想让我上个好学校然后或许被收养。
在福利院里，人们说好多关于收养的事儿。我只在听到孩子们被收养了或是他们要被收养的时候才想到想有家。我知道当你14岁的时候，你就不能被收养了。当我12岁左右，我不敢想象在中国外面跟一个家庭生活。当我听到孩子去美国的时候，我就想为什么没有一个孩子呆在中国？有一次我听说我的一个朋友被一个中国家庭收养而且住在另一个中国的部分。那时我就希望我的未来是被一个中国家庭收养而且呆在中国。当然了，这个根本就没有发生。但我是真的很希望中国人会收养中国小孩的！那就太好了！
有时候我在中国想：“如果我没有被收养而且呆在中国又有什么大不了的？我的生活又不是那么坏。”
在2011年，11月29日，阿姨们告诉我我有家庭了。我那时候很高兴，但说实话，我也不知道为什么我那么高兴。我只知道我很高兴。你们从来有没有这个感受呀？我从那天到我见到我父母之前都很高兴。当我见到我父母的时候，我就变安静了。当我们要走的时候我留了几滴眼泪。然后我们去了将阿姨和叔叔的家里。他们的工作是欢迎外国人然后让他们了解了解北京。当他们商量我们在北京这几天应该做什么，我主要就是想看我知道的人。他们同意了而且结果我看望了我小学大约一小时。然后我去了刘雨晴的家里。那天是我和我父母在中国做好的一天。
我跟我父母的第二天是我签字同不同意他们当我的父母。我说我同意因为我知道如果我不同意的话，阿姨肯定会骂我骂道我会后悔后悔到一生。我是怎么知道的？有二个孩子被收养了但他们拒绝了。有一个孩子后悔了阿姨们跟他们提了这件事好几次。
当我来到了美国，我很想中国而且家里没有什么事儿可以做的。我浪费了好多时间。我打了好多电话。中国人好多次都告诉我我父母是爱我的而且我也要爱他们。我那是很不舒服而且很内疚。
当我妈妈收养了我从来都没有认识的Lucy，我美国同学会问我我想不想她或是我爱不爱她。我没有回答，但我很内疚。
有一次我们去了一个饭店家北京，那里有一个中国阿姨问我我是不是被收养的。我们说是的。她说我很幸运。我那时候不同意因为我是在跟两个陌生人一起住而且他们说的语言跟我不一样，但我也没说什么。
一年又一年过去了，Amy来到了我家庭。时间过去了，Amy在我融入家庭之前自己融入了家庭。看着看着，我就希望我也能有这样的快乐。所以我开始学怎么爱我家人。这是一个很长的过程！但我做到了！！！我为我父母要等我三年的时间才会回爱他们感到对不起，但后来我知道从当孤儿到有一个陌生家庭是非常难的！！你得让他们慢慢的融入家庭里。
我有跟多的感受要写，但我觉得要把所有的写到一夜博客上好像是太多了。所以请您呆在这儿！
Hey Readers! It's been a long time since I've written anything down in my blog. I got pretty busy with my school life and I don't know what to write in my blog these couple months. Right now I thought about it: I want to write about as a orphan, what do I think about family. It's a hard process and I didn't know how do I felt about it when I was an orphan most of the times.
Growing up, I lived with a foster family on the country side. I thought they were my biological parents. However, at the same time, I went to school there and I felt that my class is different than other class in the school. Somehow, I knew that most or all of my classmates are orphan, including me. My foster father sometimes joked with me saying, "If you don't well behave, then you will be sent into the orphanage." I laughed, and didn't really think about it.
When I was eight years old, I move to the orphanage and don't know why! I didn't ask any questions though. My foster mother had a hard time of letting me go. My foster father comforted my foster mother. I missed my foster parents a lot because they were really good to me. They only visit me once or twice while I was in the orphanage for 4 years. I knew a girl who was getting 16 visits in one or two years before she got adopted. I wondered why my foster parents only visit me that much. Do they not miss me? No. When they visit me, they looked like they miss me a lot and when the visit is over, my foster mother had a hard time of letting me go. The nannies told me the girl got so much visit because she was so well behaved. (They use if you well behaved for a lot of reason, like why you didn't get a family!) I didn't believe the reason anyway because it's just doesn't make any sense to me. Later I found out that my foster family asked to visit me many times, but for some reasons, they only let them visit me once or twice.
The last years of orphanages, I heard somebody made phone call to their foster family. The nannies have been told kids that the phone in the orphanage can't make phone call outside the orphanages. (not if you don't hit 9 before you dial the number)
I made couple phone calls to my foster parents and to Liu Yuqing. Then one day one of the nannies who work in office told me that my foster mother told them that I made phone calls to them, I told them to truth and they say to not to do it again. I was unhappy. First, why my foster mother told them? Second, why can't I talk to my foster parents? I am not a rock, I have feelings! To me, they were steal my family from me! Then I wondering more, why my foster family sent me to the orphanage? I knew I was an orphan, yet at the same time I thought my foster family was my biological family. That was so confusing to you and to me too!!
Later I know that my foster mother didn't tell the orphanage that I made phone call to me. That nanny lied to me so I could admit the truth, that is so unfair! How could they do that! In the orphanage, a lot of the nanny lie, I hated it when they did it, and they never said sorry about it. When it come to kids lying, they told the kids that it's not good to lie! So unfair! I also found out that my foster parents aren't my biological parents, and they sent me to the orphanage to have better education and maybe get adopted.
People talk a lot of adoption in the orphanage. I only thought about wanting a family when I hear kids adopted or when they talk about who is getting a family. I knew when you turn 14, you aged out. When I was around 12, I could't imagine of having a family and living outside of China. Sometimes when they talk about kids go to America, I wondered why none of them stay in China? One time I hear a rumor that one of my friends was adopted by a Chinese family and live in another part of China. That time I wished that my future will be a Chinese family adopt me and stay in China. Of course, it didn't happen. Though I really wish that Chinese people will adopted Chinese orphans! That will be wonderful!!
Sometimes in China I thought, "What's the big deal if I don't get adopted and stay in China? My life isn't too horrible anyway."
On November 29. 2011, the nannies told me that I have a family. I was so happy, but to be honest, I didn't quiet know what I was happy about. I just know that I was happy. Have you had that kind of feelings? I stay happy until the day when my parents got me. I got quiet. When we are leave, I drop a little bit of tears. Then we went back to a house that belong to a women whose name is Joy, and the men call Michael. They job was to welcome foreigners to their house and get them to know Beijing. When they talk about what to do while my family stay in Beijing, the main things that I thought was to see the people that I know. They agree and I ended up visiting my elementary school for about a hour or so. Then I went to LiuYuqing's house. That day was the best day when I was in China with my parents.
The second day with my parents is the day that I sign whether if I want them to be my parents or not. I said yes because I knew if I didn't said yes, the nannies probably going to scold me so bad that I am going to be regret for the rest of my life. How do I know that? There was two kids that was adopted but said no to it. One of them regret because the nannies reminded them again and again.
When I came to America, I was very homesick and there is nothing to do. I waste a lot of times. I made a lot of phone calls. People in China told me over and over again that my parents loves me and I should loves them back. I felt very uncomfortable and guilty.
When my mom adopted Lucy, who was totally stranger to me before, my American classmates will ask if I miss Lucy or loves her. I didn't answer, but I felt guilty.
Onetime we went to a restaurant call Beijing and there is a women who is Chinese and ask me if I was adopted. We told her yes. She said that I was lucky. I disagreed at that time because I was living with two strangers who speak different languages but I didn't say anything.
Year went by, Amy came to our family. Time went by, Amy started to get use to the family before me. As I watched, I wish I could have that kind of happiness too. So I started to learned how to love my family. It's a such long process! However, I did it!!! I felt sorry that my parents have to wait 3 years for me to loves them back, but I later also understood that transition from an orphan to having a family with strangers is just hard!! You just have to let them to take their own time to get adjust to the family.
I have a lot more thoughts to write down, but I think it's too long to write in one post. So please hang in there!
