Having No Heart

没有一颗心

在2015年3月9日，我们的一只狗去死了。那天下午妈妈说：“我们明天会把它弄睡觉的姿态。”后来我们晚上接上了一个电话，兽医就说她们那晚可以就来。

等他们来了，爸爸妈妈要我们跟她说再见。等我们说再见了候，Lucy和Amy哭了。那时候我并没有哭，我在读一个博客。我也没有感觉到什么。等那只狗走了，所有家里的人都哭了，所有家里的人都很伤心。但是，我却没有哭，我也没有感觉到什么。我不明白为什么我什么都感觉不到。

晚上我问妈妈我为什么，妈妈说可能我没其他家里的人跟那只狗那么的近吧。那时候我就很伤心。我去了我的房间，痛痛快快的打了我自己。我很生气。我对自己说：“你怎么那么没心呀！”那时候我觉得我这人根本就不值得生活在世上。别人为了那只狗那么的伤心，可我就什么感觉不到。我真的很不想活在这世上了。

后来Amy发现我打了我自己，然后告诉了妈妈。等妈妈跟我说晚安的时候她问我我为什么对自己不高兴。我告诉了她原因。她后来解释了那是因为我是在保护我的心。那时候我就想Lucy和Amy的过去比我的过去要更狠。妈妈说那是因为我害怕去爱别人，害怕会失去他们，所以我不爱他们。那时候我就想我是个胆小鬼。之后她就说即使是生活在好父母的孩子也会害怕的。可她说什么我都不相信。在中国有那么的人喜欢我，可我这人从来都没有为别人哭过，我只为自己哭过。后来我就哭了好几了分钟。

第二天我还是在想这件事情。我想了又想，我觉得我这人不应该见人。我这人的心那么的小，那么的黑。我这人就是没有一个善良的心！我那时候怎么知道我这十五年是怎么活的。前几个星期我的老阿姨和我们邻居的一只狗去死了，我也什么都没有感觉到。

我老是有一个问题：为什么我真没有一颗心的人能让那么多的喜欢我，爱我。我从来都不会知道。

On March 9^th, 2015, one of our dogs passed away. That afternoon mom said, “Tomorrow we will put her to sleep.” Then at night we got a phone call, the vet said they could come that night.

When they came, mom and dad told us to said good bye to her. After we said goodbye to her, Lucy and Amy started to cry. I didn’t cry at the time, I was reading a blog. I didn’t feel anything. When the dog was gone, every family member cried, everyone was sad. However, I didn’t cry, I didn’t felt anything. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel anything.

At night I asked mom why, mom said maybe because I was not as close to the dogs as others. I was very sad. I went to my room, frankly hit myself. I was super mad. I told myself, “why you don’t have a heart?!” I thought I don’t have the right to live on Earth. Other people were very sad for that dog, but I didn’t feel anything. I really didn’t want to live on Earth.

Later Amy saw I hit myself and told mom. When mom said goodnight to me she asked me why I wasn’t happy with myself. I told her the reason. Later she explained to me, it’s because I was protecting my heart. I thought about that Lucy and Amy’s past is much worse than me. Mom said it’s because I am afraid to love other people, afraid I could lose them. That made me think I’m coward, then she said that even the kids grew up with good parents also would be afraid. However, I just doesn’t believe it. In China many people like me, but I never cried for other people. I just cried for myself. Later I cried for couple minutes.

Second day I still thought about it. I kept thinking, I thought I shouldn’t meet people. My heart is so small, so black. I don’t have a kind heart! How did I live fifteen years! In the last couple of weeks my Great-great Aunt and one of our neighbor’s dog died, and I didn’t feel anything.

I have a question: Why does everybody like me or love me even though I don’t have any heart? I never know.

Steal Children's Heart

偷小孩的心

在美国我听过有时候当那些孤儿要被收养的时候，那些大人会告诉他们一些可怕的事儿，然后那些小孩就没有被收养因为他们很害怕。在中国我听说过这个故事，我觉得他们不应该做这个。不过，那时候我不怎么相信因为后来我见了那个人而且我觉得她这人很好。她不是大人。后来她告诉我她做了这个是因为她从一个电影看的。之后我就没怎么想这件事儿了。

今年我听到了很多的故事儿。因为我现在更会为孤儿担心了，我就开始生气了。我就是不懂，为什么那些大人会这样？人家小孩又没有找你惹他们的。难道他们就那么讨厌那些小孩儿嘛？那些小孩会有家了，所以她们不会再见到那些小孩了。为什么他们 非把那些小孩弄得那么的害怕？为什么他们就是不能给那些小孩一个好生活?如果他们不喜欢照顾那些小孩的话，那他们根本就不用当阿姨了。

有的时候那些阿姨老师骂他们。时间过久了，那些小孩就开始相信他们不应该活在这个世界。他们是很坏的小孩。没有一个人会爱护他们的。说到了这儿就会让我很伤心。那些小孩不应该信这些事情。他们应该相信他们是有多么的好。他们不应该放弃他们自己。为什么那些大人对他们那么坏。是，他们是孤儿，可是这又说了什么？这并没有说他们是坏人。这并没有说他们不会成为一些伟大或一个好人。这只是说了他们的父母抛弃了他们。他们的身世根本就没有证明他们有什么人格。

如果我们收养更多的小孩，那更少的小孩不会放弃自己。很多的小孩会知道自己有多么的棒。收养是帮助他们的开始。

In American I heard sometimes when kids were going to beadopted, some adult told them scare stuff, then these kids didn’t get adopt because they were super scared. In China I heard those story, I thought they shouldn’t have done that. However, at that time I didn’t believe because later I met that person and I thought she was a really good person. She wasn’t adult. Later she told me she did that because she saw from a movie. After that I didn’t think about so much.

This years I heard many stories. Since I care more about orphans, I started got mad. I just don’t understand, why those adult would do that? Those kids did nothing to you. Do they hate the kids that much? Those kids would have family, so they would not see those kids again. Why they made them so scared? Why they just can’t give them a good life? If they doesn’t like to take care of the kids, then they simply don’t have to be nannies.

Sometimes those nannies would scold them. As time go by, those kids started believe they shouldn’t live in the world. They are bad kids. Nobody would love them. Talk about that it start made me sad. Those kids shouldn’t believe those stuff. They should believe how awesome they are. They shouldn’t give up on them. Why those adults treat them so bad. Yes, they are orphans, but what did that say? It didn’t say they are bad people. It didn’t say they will not be amazing or good person. It just said their parents abandon them. Their life experience didn’t prove what kind of personality they will have.

If we adopt more children, then less children wouldn’t not give up on themselves. More children would know how awesome they are. Adopting is starting of helping them.

Change the House

改变家里

对于美国马里兰州来说，我们的房子是很小的。一般的房子都是我们的两倍。我们现在的房子住这五个人和一只狗。我们每天都过着自由自在，高高兴兴。有一次，爸爸妈妈跟我说我们的地下室要重新弄一弄。当时我觉得我们的地下室一点问题都没有，但是妈妈说她觉得我们的地下室很乱。我想：“那我们就直接可以起来整理整理呀。我们根本就不需要花那么多的钱。”

爸爸妈妈用了一千多美元来整理整理我们的地下室。我们的地下室的确是比以前要整齐了很多。可是，每次当爸爸妈妈花那么多钱的时候都让我想起：我们真的需要吗？我觉得我们还可以坚持坚持。有时候我觉得我们可以用那么多的钱去收养一个小孩或是帮助一个孤儿找到家庭。我不知道为什么我对孤儿那么有兴趣或我那么的关心孤儿。但是，我就是帮助不了我自己，每次我都会想这个。有时候我看看我们家里有那么多的东西，我就觉得我们可以把这些卖了然后帮助一些孤儿。

钱不是一个好的也不是坏的。你有多少钱也不会决定你是好人或是坏人。你怎么花钱会决定你的人格。我决定将来把我大部分的钱帮助孤儿。你想怎么样，那就是你的事儿了。我希望更多的人帮助更多的孤儿。

To Maryland, our house is very small. Usually the other house is twice as ours. Right now our house have 5 people and one dog. Every day we live happily and freely. One time. Mom and dad said to me that our basement need to fix. I thought our basement doesn’t have any problem, but mom said she thought our basement was very mess. I thought, “Then we can just get up and clean. We don’t need to spend that much money at all.”

Mom and dad used more than $1000 to clean our basement. Our basement do look cleaner. However, every times when mom and dad use that much money it made me think: Do we need it? I think we still can live without it. Sometimes I think we could use that much money to adopt a kid or help an orphan to find a family. I don’t know why I’m interesting so much to orphans or care so much about them. However, I just couldn’t help myself, every times I will think about this. Sometimes I look around my house have so much stuff, I think we could sell it and then help some orphans.

Money isn’t a good or bad thing. How much money you have doesn’t prove if you are a good person or a bad person. How you spent your money will decide on your personality. I deicide that in the future I will use most of money to help orphans. What you want, it’s on you. I hope more people will help more orphans.

Eighth Grade

八年级

在2014年我上了八年级。一开始的时候我很不高兴因为我在课上老是不懂。我的老师一开始不怎么懂我。我那时候好不高兴。不过，我这人很幸运。我问了问我七年级的老师帮助，然后我就懂了。时间过去了，我的老师开始懂得我了。我也开始喜欢我的老师了。渐渐的我开始向我的八年级的老师问帮助了。我开始喜欢我的课程了。

八年级也是最难的。我有两节跳舞课，一个大提琴，一个吉他，一个做饭和缝东西的，和体育。今年是我第一次学大提琴。我一开始很高兴。去年夏天我试了试小提琴，但是我觉得很难因为我老是弄不住。我那时候觉得大提琴比较更简单，所以我就试了试大提琴，但是大提琴也不是很简单。很多的时候我很有问题，现在我终于知道怎么解决这些问题了。说实话，我不怎么喜欢大提琴，我明年只想学木琴。

跳舞开始很难，但是现在简单了一些。吉他可是最无聊的一节课了。我最喜欢做饭了！我也很喜欢缝东西，但是我们用的是机器，而且不知道怎么回事儿，每次我用的时候那个机器都会出事儿。真不知道为什么！难道那个机器那么讨厌我吗？

当然了，八年级也有好的地方。我每个星期都能见到我七年级的老师。我每天都能见到我在美国学校最好的朋友。有的八年级的老师也挺好玩的。其中最好玩的就是我的历史老师，他每天都笑笑笑。我每天都在他课里笑。真是太好了。

虽然八年级没有七年级那么好，但是我还是挺喜欢八年级的。现在是五月了，还有几个星期我们就要放暑假了。我会好舍不得Severna Park中学的。

In 2014 I went to eighth grade. At first I was very unhappy because I always don’t understand in classes. My teachers at first couldn’t understand me. I was very unhappy at the time. However, I was very lucky. I asked my seventh grade teachers’ help. Then I understand it. As time goes by, my teachers started understand me. I also started like my teachers. Slowly I started asked help to my eighth grade. I started like my classes.

Eighth also is the hardest. I have two dance classes, one cello, one guitar, one cooking and sewing, and PE. This year is my first year learning cello. At first I was very happy. Last summer I tried violin, but I thought it was very hard because I couldn’t hold it. I thought cello would be easier, so I tried cello, but cello was easy. Many times I had problem with it, now I finally know how to solve the problem. Tell you the truth, I don’t like cello so much, next year I just want to learn xylophone.

Dance class was hard at first, but now it’s easier. Guitar is the most boring class. I like cooking the best! I like sewing too, but we used machine, and for some reason, every times when I use it will always has problem. Don’t know why! Wasn’t the machine hated me that much?

Of course, eighth grade had good part. Every week I could see my seventh grade teachers. Every day I could see my best friend in school. Some of the eighth teachers are pretty funny. The funniest is my history teacher, every day he would laugh and laugh. Every day I would laugh in his class. It’s so nice.

Even though eighth grade isn’t as good as seventh grade, but I still like eighth grade. Right now is May, few weeks we will have summer vacation. I will miss SPMS.

 

Thoughts about Hugs

对拥抱的想法

在我的记忆力，当我跟我寄养家庭生活的时候，我的寄养父母从来都没有抱过我。那时候我也很讨厌拥抱。我觉得拥抱是那种男女朋友的东西。当时我就想：拥抱真恶心，我从来都不会给别人拥抱的。

当我来到了福利院然后去了学校。我还是不怎么喜欢拥抱，但是我也那么讨厌拥抱。有些大人很喜欢摸我，但是不我喜欢他们摸我。为什么他们非摸我，不摸别人？我这人又不那么的可爱或吸引人。

到了四年级我有了我中国最喜欢的老师之后，我一直想给她一个拥抱。但是，我从来都没有看过其他学生抱过他们的老师，所以我觉得这可能会违反了学校的规则。当时我也害怕我中国最喜欢的郑老师会骂我如果我跑过去抱他的话。说不定她会觉得我有神经病。况且，她那时候没有抱过我，所以我哪知道如果她喜不喜欢抱我。我觉得她会生气我的。

说到了生气，有一次我摸了一个同学因为我很喜欢她。之后她就告诉她姥姥我抓了她，然后她姥姥骂了我。当时我就不高兴，我只是摸了她而已。但是，那时候我也没说什么，因为我觉得可能是我的指甲太长了吧。从那以后我是不会抱别人的除非他们先抱我的或他们问我的因为我不想他们不高兴。

到了美国的时候，我觉得他们是超爱拥抱。我一点儿不喜欢。不过后来我已经适应了。现在如果别人问我拥抱的话，我一般都会说好的。有一个倒是没有改变：我是不会跟男生拥抱的，除非是我的家庭。

In my memory, when I lived in my foster home, my foster parents never hugged me. At that time I really hated hugs. I thought hugs are for between boyfriends and girlfriends. That time I thought: Hugs. Yucky. I would never hug other people.

When I came to the orphanage and then went to school, I still didn’t like hugs, but I didn’t hate hugs either. Some adults liked to touch me very much. However, I didn’t liked that they touched me. Why they touch me, not others? I wasn’t really a cute or attractive person.

When I had my Chinese favorite teacher in fourth grade, I always wanted to give her a hug. However, I never saw other students hug their teachers, so I thought that it was against school rules. At that time I was scared my favorite teacher, Mrs. Zheng, would scold me if I ran to hug her. Maybe she would think I’m crazy. In fact, at that time she didn’t hugged me before, so how was I supposed to know if she liked me to hug her or not. I thought she would be mad at me.

Talking about getting mad at other people, one time I touched one student because I liked her very much. Then she told her grandma that I scratched her, and her grandma scolded me. At the time I was unhappy, I just touched her. However, I didn’t say anything, because I thought maybe because my nails were too long it felt like a scratch. From there I never hugged people unless they first hugged me or they asked me because I don’t want them to be mad.

When I came to America, I thought I love to hug people, but I didn’t liked it. However, later I became use to it. Now if somebody asks me to hug them, I usually will say yes. There’s one thing that didn’t change, I would not gave boy a hug, unless he is my family.

Pressure

压力

在我刚刚来到美国的时候，很多的中国老师和阿姨都为我高兴。有些老师说：“你爸爸妈妈是很爱你的，你也要好好的爱他们。”我知道他们是想让我快快地融入的这个家庭，但是这句话让我很不舒服。这让我觉得我这个人根本就没有心。我美国同学也问过我如果我爱不爱我的家人。当时我是真的不知道。当时我也在想，如果我不是孤儿的话，那我就不会有这些问题了。

在周末晚上我喜欢看中国电视。有一次我看了一个爱情电视剧。那里的四个主角都是孤儿，其中一个是被收养了。她很多次都跟他的父母说：“长大以后我一定会回报你们的。”当时我就想：不知道长大后我会不会回报爸爸妈妈呀。这个女孩的心是多么的好呀，而我的心的多么的硬呀。当孤儿这么就那么难呀？

我现在有两个超喜欢的老师，一个是我中国最喜欢的，一个是美国的。我觉得我好像喜欢的到爱她们的地步了。可是。我却没有这么样的喜欢我的父母。当我看到别人做这个的时候，我就觉得他们不应该做这个。但是，我自己也在做这个。我不知道我应该爱谁，有时候我太喜欢她们了。我就是不知道怎么停止。

我有时候在想：为什么我有这种问题。我住过我寄养家庭八年了，而且我觉得他们是我的亲生父母。为什么我还是有这些问题。为什么我还是跟其他的孤儿一样？为什么？

我觉得我很对不起我现在的爸爸妈妈，他们那么的爱我。我却一点儿感觉都感觉不到。我这人真是不知道怎么感谢。要我说，我当孤儿就是应该的，谁让我这人那么坏呀。

收养是一件好事儿，但是收养是很难的。有的孩子他们立马就爱上了你，有些孩子他们把你当成一个陌生人，然后很长时间以后他们才爱上你的。我是在中间。每个孩子都有不同的反应。无论如何，收养孩子还是一件很好的事儿。

When I came to America, many Chinese teachers and nannies were very happy for me. Some teachers said, "Your mom and dad love you very much. You need to love them also." I knew they wanted me to get use to the family quickly, but this quote made me very uncomfortable. That made me think I don't have a heart. My American classmates also asked me if I loved my family or not. I really didn't know at the time. I also thought, if I wasn't a orphan, then I would not have those problems.

On weekend nights I like to watch Chinese TV shows. One time I watched a romance show. There were four characters who are orphans, only one of them was adopted. Many times she told her parents, "When I grow up, I will pay back you guys." I thought, "I don't know if I'm going to pay back my parents or not when I grew up. The girl's heart was so good, but my heart is so hard. Why is being an orphan so hard?"

Now I have two teachers that I like very much, one is my China favorite, one is American. I think I like them to the point that I love them. However, I don't like my parents that much. When I see other people doing that, I think they shouldn't do that. However, I am doing it myself. I don't know who I should love. Sometimes I like them too much. I just don't know how to stop it.

Sometimes I thought, "Why do I have this problem. I lived in a foster family for eight years, and I thought they were my real parents. Why am I the same as other orphans? Why?"

I think I am letting my parents down. They love me so much. Yet, I don't feel anything. I just don't know how to be thankful. To me, I should become an orphan, because I am such a bad person.

Adopting is a good thing, but adopting is hard. Some kids love you right away, some kids treat you like a stranger, then a very long time after they finally fall in love with you. I am in between. Every kid's reaction is different. No matter what, adopting kids is still a good things.

Why People Doesn't Adopt

为什么别人不收养

在七年级的时候，我问了好多人如果他们从来有没有想过收养的事儿。很多人都说想过。有些人说现在这个不适合他们。我对大多数人的回答很高兴。有些人他们知道一些被收养的人。这让我很惊奇也很高兴。

后来我想了想，有些人说他们想，但是他们好像从来都没有行动。我一直在想为什么。为什么别人不收养孩子？收养孩子跟亲生孩子都差不多呀，为什么收养的行动不是那些大？

有些人说收养对他们现在不适合。我试着懂他们为什么说这个，可我就是不懂。是什么让他们对收养有一点害怕？我就是不知道。我住在一个很富有的城市。我们的邻居都比我们的房子大两倍，这证明他们的钱比我们多一倍。既然我们收养了，为什么他们不收养呀？他们有那么多的钱。我就是不明白。

我不知道我有没有伤了很多人的心。我现在只是说我心里想的事儿。我现在真的真的很想让所有人收养小孩。如果你不能收养小孩的话，你可以帮其他的孩子找家，帮他们捐款什么的。

我现在知道了一件事儿，不是每个人能收养小孩或想收养小孩。虽然我不知道为什么，但是我会尊重你的想法。我倒是想到告诉你一件事儿，如果你觉得收养小孩不是你的事情，你不用收养一个小孩，但是你可以做一些事帮助那些孤儿。告诉被人关于孤儿的事情。我知道另两个被收养的小孩的博客。说不定这可以帮助你看看孤儿的生活。
http://www.flowerthatblooms.com/
http://www.lifeasanadoptedteen.blogspot.com/

你可以看看这两个伟大的人的故事。

In seventh grade, I asked many people if they ever thought about adoption. Many people said yes. Some people said it wasn't the right for them. I was very happy with most people's answer. Some people said they know people who were adopted. That surprisedme very much and made me very happy.

 

Later I thought about it, some people said yes, but they seem to never take action. I always thought why. Why they don't adopt kids? Adopting kids is same as having kids. Why adopt movement is not very big?

 

Some people said adopt isn't right thing for them. I tried to understand why they say that, but I really can't understand. What is it that scares them not to adopt? I just don't know. I live in a rich city. Our neighbor' house is bigger than ours, that means their money is twice as much as ours. If we adopted, whydon’t they adopt? They have so much money, I justdon’t understand.

 

I don't know if I hurt many people's feeling. I am justsaying what I think. Now I really want everyone toadopt kids. If you can't, you can help other kids find afamily, help them by donating or something.

 

Now I know one thing, not everybody can adopt kids or wants to adopt kids. Even though I don'tunderstand it, I will respect your view. I want to tell you something though, if you think adopting kids is not your thing, you don't have to adopt, but you can do some thing to help those orphans. Tell other people about orphans. I know two other people whowere adopted by a family who write about it. Maybe that will help you to see orphan's life.

 

http://www.flowerthatblooms.com/

http://www.lifeasanadoptedteen.blogspot.com/

 

You guys can look those two amazing people's story.