Do I really have disability?

我真的有残疾吗？

在中国，我知道我有残疾，但这个并没有影响我或是挡了我的路。所以，我就老认为：可能那些医生弄错了，可能我没有任何残疾。可能我是一个完完整整的正常人。

在中国丁姐姐老师指出我的残疾。比如她说我口齿不清楚，我走路不正常，还有当我写字的时候，我压比亚的太重了。她说的每一句话我都不相信因为在中国当我跟我朋友说话的时候，她们没有一点问题听懂我说的话。如果我走路不正常，让我就老是摔跤。丁姐姐老师小看我，所以如果她说什么关于我的事儿，我一般都不会相信的。我们是永远不会同意对方的因为我们的看法。所以我老是把我自己看成一个没有任何残疾的人。

当我上七年级的时候，我的老师老是听不懂我说的话。我很不高兴。我的天呀，难道我的口齿那么不清楚？我就不相信。

现在我在学大提琴而且我的手指姿势就是弄不对。为什么？我真的有残疾吗？但是，如果是的，我会变成很固执因为我真的不想相信这是我的残疾。或者或许这不是我残疾的问题，可能是因为我的语言或是我还是一个初级人而且我就需要时间就好了。但是，在这种情况，我不觉得我是一个很有耐心的人。

现在我老是想这件事儿。我觉得我现在更要弱和懒一些。我真希望我能像我以前在中国那样一样，那样固执。

In China, I knew I had a disability, but that really didn't affect me or get in my way. So, I always thought: maybe the doctors were wrong, maybe I don't have any disabilities. Maybe I'm totally normal person.

In China the sister Ding always point out my disability. In the orphanage, if the people were in their 20s or 30s, we call them sister or brother. If not, then we call them auntie or uncle. Also, for the old people, we call them grandma or grandpa. So, sister Ding said that my speech isn't clear, my walk isn't normal, and I push too hard when I'm writing. I didn't believe any of the things she told me because when I'm talking with my friends in China, they have no trouble to understand me. If my walking is not normal, then I would fall all the time. Sister Ding always underestimated me, so if she said something about me, I usually didn't believe it. We would never agree with each other because our views. So I always look myself as a person who doesn't have any disability. 

When I was in seventh grade, my teachers had very hard time to understand what I said. That times I was very frustrated. Come on, is my speech that bad? I can't believe it. 

Right now I'm learning cello and I just can't get the fingering right. Why? Do I really have disability? Or maybe I just didn't practiced enough and I just use my disability as excuse?

Sometimes when we do things that are really hard, I always think maybe it's part of my disability. However, then I would be stubborn because I really don't want to believe that is my disability. Or maybe it is not my disability fault, maybe because of my language or I'm beginner and it just take time. Although, I don't think I'm a very patient person in that situation.   

Right now I am always thinking about that. I feel like right now I'm more weak and lazy. I really wish that I can be like the girl I was in China. Who is really stubborn.